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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of nny jokes and other funny jokes |
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Instrument Joke
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in. Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?A: Stage makeup. Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him. Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?A: Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche. Q: Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale. A: She was known as the deep C diva. Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?A: The baritone. Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?A: About 10 pounds. Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?A: When the other tenors notice. Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, 'It's too high for him. 'Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?A: 'I didn't wake up this morning. . . 'Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again. Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it. Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target. Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?A: I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear. Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. They can't get up that high. Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. Get the drummer to do it. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
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Brother and sister Joke
Peter: My brother wants to work badly! Anita: As I remember, he usually does !
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Animal World
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?'Dam'.
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Ghost Joke
How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a living? By appearing in television spooktaculars.
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Bird Joke
Look at that speed! said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. 'Hmph!' snorted the other. 'You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!'
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At Work Joke
The Perverse Guide To Getting HiredChapter 1 - The Resume Your resume is a crucial document that summarises theessence of your being to a potential employer. You must graba personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpoweringwonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom ofher parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as wellrun down now and join the other unemployed grads behind theappliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton tolive in. To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the writtenequivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter'sorange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experimentwith striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing yourname in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says'Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!' Sprinkle a bit of yourmost sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add agood lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget yourpicture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10glossies from Glamour Shots on top. Now that you've achieved that visceral 'oomph', it's time topolish the contents to bring out or even invent your positivequalities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform anyqualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into asaleable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the best'spin' on a job seeker's skills:'I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's. ' A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short?Describe yourself as a 'Grill Co-ordinator', or perhaps a'Culinary Technician'. 'I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend. ' Ah! So you were previously employed in 'CommunicationServices!' Describe yourself as a 'Journalism Representative. ''I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetosand watching Charlie's Angels reruns. ' You can transform the pathetic into the energetic byreferring to yourself as a 'Consumer Broadcasting Specialist. 'Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in 'PopularDrama Studies. ''I worked in telemarketing. ' Die you scumbag. 'I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass outin a puddle of my own urine. ' I see! An 'Alternative Hygiene Researcher' who throwshimself into his work! Always remember to use active, 'can-do' language in yourresume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms aspossible: 1) Excellence (can't get enough of this one!) 2) Goal-oriented 3) Forward-thinking 4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals) 5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately. Chapter 2 - The Interview So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Onceagain, you've got to stand out from the crowd! First, consideryour apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave alasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, availablein classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of yourprofessional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, andconsider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high-five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, somake sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jumpright in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here'ssome suggestions for opening lines:'The voices told me I'm perfect for this job. ''I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze. ''Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear. ''Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication. ''The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays. ''I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot theirStarship. ''I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?''I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight '109
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Political Joke
An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other. The Indian says to the bartender, 'Me want Lager!'The bartender says, 'Sure, Chief, coming right up. ' He then serves the Indian atall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out. Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender, 'Me want beer!'The bartender says, 'Whoa there Chief, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here. . . What was that allabout, anyway?' he asked. The Indian explained, 'Me training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days, thencome back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind. . . . . '
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Animal Joke
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food. Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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