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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of new comedy dvd releases and other funny jokes |
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Lawyer Joke
If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then. . . Hey, come to think of it, That's not a bad idea.
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Christmas Joke - 1
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year. What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level: Festivity Level One:Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level Two:Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing 'I Gotta Be Me' around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level Three:Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing 'I Can't Get No Satisfaction, ' gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them. (You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four. ) Festivity Level Four:Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing. The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture. If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:Police: 'Good evening. Are you the host?'You: 'No. 'Police: 'We've been getting complaints about this party. 'You: 'About the drugs?'Police: 'No. 'You: 'About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?'Police: 'No, the noise. 'You: 'Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background. ) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?'Police: 'No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?'You: 'No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning. ) See? Things are starting to wind down. '
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Irish Joke
Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. 'Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, ' he said. 'I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!' 'All right, my son, ' admonished the priest. 'For penance, finish off the stations!'
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Military Joke
The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes. Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon. He told his Syrian guest, 'Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles. ''No, no - you don't understand!' the Syrian replied. 'Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!'
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Bumper Stickers - 2
Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.
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Fishing Joke
How do the fish get to school ? By octobus !
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Criminal Joke
A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off. 'Shall I run and get it for you?' asked the prisoner obligingly. 'You must think I'm daft, ' said the officer. 'You stand here and I'll get it. '
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Dog Joke - 1
Every time I tell my English Setter to stop barking, it never does! What does it do? It just stands on its back two legs and quotes Shakespeare! What? Yeah, it says, 'To bark or not to bark that is the question!' and keeps on barking!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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