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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
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Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of mobile fun limited and other funny jokes |
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Animal World
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe hashunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry tosit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears ablood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, 'I thought I told you to bequiet!'Jerry says, 'Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawledover me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing downmy neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawledup my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat themhere?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!'
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Dumb Joke
A Press Release -WASHINGTON D. C. The House Appropriations subcommittee on NASA oversight, in another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a resolution today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been 'too much redundancy in the solar system' and that streamlining the 4. 5 billion year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would give NASA fewer places to go and this would allow the agency to carry out its space exploration goals within the funding profile that the House proposed earlier this summer. 'Look, we have three terrestrial planets' said Congressman Rip U. Apart (R, Del. ), 'and only one of them really works! So why not get rid of the other two and clean up the neighborhood?' Most subcommittee members felt that while downsizing was definitely in the cards, eliminating both Mars and Venus was going too far. 'We have too many international commitments to Mars. ' said Rush N. Hater (R, Calif. ). 'So I think we should keep Mars and dump Venus. Its too hot to live on, and liberal Democrats keep using it as an example of what global warming can do. So from a political and practical point of view, Venus has got to go. 'Also at risk is the planet Mercury which lacks support because of its small size and poor visibility from Earth. 'Who needs it?' asked Congressman Newt Onian (R, N. C. ). 'Have you ever seen it? I haven't. So what good is it? We just don't need useless planets. And speaking of useless planets, what about the asteroids? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. So I say we ought to get rid of the little boogers once and for all. 'However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the terrestrial planets. The resolution also calls for a reduction in the number of gas giants which contain most of the planetary mass in the solar system. Most subcommittee members favor retaining Jupiter and Saturn, and eliminating Uranus and Neptune. 'Jupiter employs the most molecules, and Saturn has those pretty little rings everyone likes. ' said Rep. Con Mann (R, Fla. ). 'On the other hand, Uranus is a bore and its rings are dirty. And Neptune, for God's sake, is just too far away. So begone with those ugly bruisers. 'But the influential Wright I. M. Fornow from South Carolina has publicly announced he will fight to eliminate Saturn. Fornow is especially miffed by NASA's success thus far in keeping Cassini, the next mission to Saturn, alive which he feels is waste of taxpayers money. 'If there ain't no Saturn, then there ain't no Cassini' he exclaimed. The congressman also expressed concern about sending back-to-back spacecraft bearing Italian surnames to the outer planets (The Galileo spacecraft arrives at Jupiter this December). The subcommittee was unanimous in its views towards Pluto which they deemed a moral misfit. 'Now here's a planet we can definitely do without. ' continued Fornow. 'A few years ago, it was farthest from the sun. Now its not. Its just too confusing. And now they tell me its really two planets instead of one. What the hell is going on here?'The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it is expected to pass easily since only a minority of Representatives have constituents on the affected planets. NASA Administrator Golden has vowed to resist any further reductions to the solar system, saying that 'NASA has expended considerable effort to make the planets cheaper, faster, and better. Much of this work would be wasted if the solar system were downsized' stated Golden. Critics say, however, that reducing the number of planets will not produce the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they note, would have to be revised to reflect the new arrangement, and facilities would need to be constructed to remove the planets themselves. The resolution is also likely to draw strong opposition from religious fundamentalists who have long opposed the elimination of any of the biblical planets. Thus, the matter is far from resolved.
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Funny Joke Online
Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by . The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, 'Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot. ' The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, 'Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button. . Va-voom. ' The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, 'Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid. ' At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day. The phone rang at 6 a. m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. 'Sir, what happened?' asked Jeff. 'You married a nurse. ' 'Son, don't ever marry a nurse, ' the man sourly replied. 'All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'. ' The phone rang again at 6:30 a. m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed. 'What happened?' Jeff asked with surprise. 'Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices. ' 'Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator, ' the man groaned. 'All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'. ' Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p. m. , the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs. 'My goodness sir, what happened to you?' Jeff asked, fearing the worst. 'Did you have a fight?' The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, 'No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'. '
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Math Joke
In a speech to a gathering of mathematics professors from throughout the United States, George W. Bush warned the academics not to misuse their position to force their often extremist political views on young Americans. 'It is my understanding', the president said, 'that you are frequently teaching algebra classes in which your students learn how to solve equations with the help of radicals. I can't say that I approve of that. . . '
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Love and Marriage Joke
I asked my nephew whether he bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day. “Yes”, he said, “I bought her a belt and a bag. ”
“That was very nice of you”, I replied, “I hope she appreciated the thought. ”
He said, “So do I, and hopefully the vaccuum cleaner will work better now. '
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Simple Joke
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous. . or what?' 'Not at all, Ma'am, ' the manager replied. 'It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them. '
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Political Joke
A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:'Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?'Pres says: 'You think we're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!'
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Stupid Blonde Joke
Why don't you see blonde pharmacists?
They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!
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