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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of messenger weird maker and other funny jokes |
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Ethnic Joke - 1
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
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Redneck Joke
'I'm going fishing. ' Really means. . . 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety. ''It's a guy thing. ' Really means. . . . 'There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical. ''Can I help with dinner?' Really means. . . . 'Why isn't it already on the table?''Uh huh, ' 'Sure, honey, ' or 'Yes, dear. ' Really means. . . . Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 'It would take too long to explain. ' Really means. . . 'I have no idea how it works. ''I'm getting more exercise lately. ' Really means. . . . 'The batteries in the remote are dead. ''We're going to be late. ' Really means. . . . 'Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac. ''Take a break, honey, you're working too hard. ' Really means. . . . 'I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner. 'That's interesting, dear. ' Really means. . . . 'Are you still talking?''Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love. ' Really means. . . . 'I forgot our anniversary again. ''You expect too much of me. ' Really means. . . . 'You want me to stay awake?''That's women's work. ' Really means. . . . 'It's difficult, dirty, and thankless. ''You know how bad my memory is. ' Really means. . . . 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop
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Law Enforcement Joke
Police Chief: Why did you arrest that doctor? Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse.
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Kids Joke
What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words? Which one's Mommy?
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Christmas Joke - 1
Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St. Nicholas would arrive; andWhereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; andWhereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; andWhereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; andWhereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows:'Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen'; andWhereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings. Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i. e. :
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Dirty Joke
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle. ' While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, 'You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra. ' This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother.
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Kids Fairy Tale Joke
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his.
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So?
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage, which ultimately blows up the cows.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull.
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Bumper Stickers - 7
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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