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bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of manchester fun run and other funny jokes |
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Mom and Dad Joke
A Teenager is. . . A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday. Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed. A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license. A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study. An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud. A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother. A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
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Situations Humor
A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassinga young girl as she walked by the construction site. She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed the worker yelled 'Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!'The girl turned around and replied 'It must be terrible wheneven an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?'
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Space Joke
What do you get if you cross a student and an alien ? Something from another universe -ity !
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Dentist Joke
I came in to make an appointment with the dentist. said the man to the receptionist. 'I'm sorry sir. ' she replied. 'He's out right now, but. . . ' 'Thank you, ' interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. 'When will he be out again ?'
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Funny Famous Joke
Did you hear about the blonde who. . . had more on her body than on her mind?was called 'Sanka' because she had no active ingredient in the bean?took an hour to cook Minute Rice?got into the taxi, and the driver kept the 'Vacant' sign up?was an M. D. - Mentally Deficient?had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
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Doctor and nurse Joke
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around. Don't worry, it's just a bug That's going around !doc
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Aardvark Joke
What does an aardvark take for ant-digestion? Anta-Seltzer!
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Animal Joke
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him 'Rover' or 'Spot'. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, 'I would like to have one too!' Then I said, 'But she is a dog!' He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, 'You don't understand. . . . I have had Sex since I was nine years old. ' He replied, 'You must have been quite a strong boy. ' When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, 'But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex. ' He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, 'You don't understand. . . . Sex keeps me awake at night. ' The clerk said, 'Me too!' One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. 'You don't understand, ' I said, 'I hoped to have Sex on TV. ' He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married. ' The Judge said, 'Me too!' Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, 'I'm looking for Sex. ' -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, 'What seems to be the trouble?' I replied, 'Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely. ' and the doctor said, 'Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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