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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of make funny pictures and other funny jokes |
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Joke Online
IDIOT SIGHTINGS. . . Sighting #1:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask. 'Idiot Sighting #2:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving!'Idiot Sighting #3:At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to 'downsizing, ' our manager spoke up and said, 'this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often, ' Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Idiot Sighting #4:I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Idiot Sighting #5:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. 'Hey, ' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' 'I know, ' answered the young man. 'I already got that side. . . '
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Bar Joke - 2
The Five Stages Of DrunkenessStage 1 - CLEVERThis is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER. Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVEThis is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICHThis is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present. Stage 4 - INVINCIBLEYou are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway. Stage 5 - INVISIBLEThis is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words. THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UPStage 1 - STUPIDAs you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours. Stage 2 - UGLYNever entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking. Stage 3 - POORHaving crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends. Stage 4 - FRAGILEAs you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you. Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUSThis is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.
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Satire Joke
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. 4. The easy way is always mined. 5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them. When you're not ready for them. 8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. 9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. 10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. 12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. 14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. 15. When in doubt empty the magazine. 16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. 17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing dothing. 18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. 19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. 21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. 23. Five second fuses only last three seconds. 24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
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Food and Drink Joke
Camper: There's something wrong with my hot dog. Cook: Don't tell me. I'm not a veterinarian.
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Bumper Stickers - 6
Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set
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Gorilla Joke
If you throw a great Ape into one of the Great Lakes, what will it become? Wet!
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Computer Joke
Tech Support: 'How may I help you today, sir?' Customer: 'Hello. . . hey, er. . . I think I've got the wrong software installed in my computer. ' Tech Support: 'Why is that, sir?' Customer: 'I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded with software called the 'XYZ Desktop'. ' Tech Support: 'Yes. . . ?' Customer: 'Shouldn't it be called the 'XYZ Minitower'? I OBVIOUSLY have the wrong software installed in this computer. '
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Weird Women Joke
why do women have legs?have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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