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5QS |
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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of maid of honor jokes and other funny jokes |
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Totally Strange Humor
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said. . . 'Yes, there's a nasty bug going around. '
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School Joke
A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be absent for the day.
Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.
This is the actual conversation of the telephone call. . .
Kelly: 'Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.
Secretary at high school: 'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?'
Kelly: 'This is my mother. '
Needless to say, she didn't pull it off!
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Top 100 Joke
This is a quiz to see if you should be considered a 'professional smart person' by your friends. You can scroll down for answers. There are 4 questions. They are not that difficult. 1)How do you put an elephant into a refridgerator? ****Answer: Open the door, put in the elephant, and close the door. *2)How do you put a giraffe into a refridgerator? ****Answer: Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door. *3)The animals are having an animal meeting. All the animals attend except for one. Which one does not attend? ****Answer:The giraffe. The giraffe is in the refridgerator. *4)You must cross a crocodile-infested river. How do you manage it? ****Answer:You swim across. All of the animals are attending the animal meeting.
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Funniest Joke
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune. . . . the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.
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Totally Weird Joke
A man has been married to his wife for over 20 years and during the past 5 years he has been unable to obtain an erection. He feels just horrible because he is unable to have sex with his wife. He fears his wife may leave him for another man. Out of desperation the man has gone to every doctor and expert in the area. Despite numerous tests and suggested remedies, no reason for his impotence can be found and no cure has worked. The man decides to share his problem with his best friend. His best friend gets all excited and says, 'I know who can help you! There is mystic and he was able to help someone else I know with the same problem! You must go see him!'So the man takes his friend's advice and goes to visit this curious mystic. The man explains his problem, the mystic looks him over and says, 'Ah, yes, indeed I can offer a temporary cure. 'The man is just elated, he tells the mystic, 'Whatever it is, please do it! I want to be able to have sex with my wife, please!'So the mystic nods his head, does a strange dance around the man while murmuring odd sounds, claps his hands and says, 'All done. Now, sir, you will be able to bring on an erection immediately upon counting to three: one, two, three. Do not count to three until you want your erection. Your erection will continue to last until the count of four is heard: one, two, three, four. After that, you will not be able to obtain an erection again no matter what. 'The man is just so excited, he leaves the mystic and heads home. All he can think about is that tonight he will be having sex again and giving his wife the love session of her life. He cannot wait to surprise her with his eager hard-on that will last and last and last. That evening, the man is lying in bed waiting for his beautiful wife to walk out of the bathroom and crawl into bed beside him. 'How much longer will you be?', he inquires in a lound voice from the bed. 'Almost done sweetie. ', his wife responds from the bathroom. The man gazes down at his penis and counts outloud: 'One, two, three'. Sure enough, his penis stiffens into a grand hard-on. The wife then hollars from the bathroom: 'Honey, what did you say 'one, two, three, ' for?'
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Bar Joke - 1
A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.
The bartender speaks up and says 'Hey what the hell are you doing?'
The blind man says, 'Just taking a look around. . '
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School Joke for Kids
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. 'Show the lady your finest mink!' the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, 'Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $'65
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Burger Joke
How do we know hamburgers have high IQ's? They 'loin' fast!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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