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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of london comedy festival and other funny jokes |
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Bible Joke
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, 'How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?' The old man looked around and lowered his voice. 'I'll tell you, Rabbi, ' he whispered. 'When I got to be '90
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Old age Joke
An American tourist found himself in a sleepy country village, and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant. 'Well, sir, ' replied the villager, 'we ain't got one now. He died last week. '
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Aviation Joke
Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck. Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.
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Fishing Joke
Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: 'double my I. Q' so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting shakespeare. Then the second fisherman said: 'triple my I. Q. ' and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed. The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I. Q and the mermaid said 'Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!' the fisherman said 'yes' so the mermaid turned him into a woman
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Burger Joke
What can you say about Ham Burger and Chief Justice Warren Burger? Ham Burger is 'well done' and Chief Justice Warren Burger has 'done well'!
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Religion Joke
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, 'Denounce the Devil! Let him knowhow little you think of his evil!'The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, 'Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?'The dying man said, 'Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think Iought to aggravate anybody!'
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Mom and Dad Joke
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. 'Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?' she asked. 'Well, no, ' answered the puzzled homeowner. 'But I have a wife and eleven children. ' 'Is that a record?' she inquired. 'I don't think so, ' replied the man, 'but it's as close as I want to get. '
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School Joke
he following are excuse notes from parents (including original spellings) collected by the University of Texas: They were collected from Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and Mississippi.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P. E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P. E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. (Squirts)
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother a low grade fever and ached allover. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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