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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of listen to weird al and other funny jokes |
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Strange Humor
Knock, knock?Whos there?Megan and chickenMegan and chicken who?He's megan a list and chicken it twice, he's gonna find out whos naughty and nice. . .
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Old Age Joke
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, 'You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing. '
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. 'This recession's really putting a big dent in my income,' he told them. 'From now on,
I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans. ' The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
'Look,' he said, 'I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?' 'A lousy quarter?' the drum leader exclaimed. 'If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!' And the old man enjoyed peace.
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Dumb People Joke
A woman feared that her husband was losing interest in her sexually. She went out and bought some very sexy lingerie, complete with crotchless panties. She posed herself in bed and awaited his arrival. When he came into the bedroom, she threw the sheets back, spread her legs, and said, 'Welcome home honey. Do you want some of this?'With a horrified look on his face, the husband replied, 'Hell No! Look what it did to your underwear!'
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Farming Joke
A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground. A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says. 'Where can I buy one?' he is asked. Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says. 'I'll take him, ' says the other man as he counts out the money. I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?'Sure. 'The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, 'sorry, bad news. 'I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead. The city feller says just give me my money back then. 'Can't, spent it already!''Well. . . unload the mule then. ''What ya gonna do with him?''Raffle him off!''Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!''Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks. 'One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop. 'What did ya do with that dead mule?''Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit. ''Didn't anyone complain?' 'Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!'
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Romance Joke
I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married, but. . . she thought 'kinky sex' involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.
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Silliest Joke
Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed! 'Dad!' says Johnny, 'What are you doing!' Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says 'Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker. . . and your mother's the wild card'. 'Oh, 'says Johnny and he leaves the room. Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away! 'Ernie!' cried Johnny, 'What are you doing!'. Ernie stops humping for a second and says, 'Well. . . I'm playing poker, Johnny. . . and Thelma is the wildcard. 'Oh', says Johnny and he leaves the room. Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was going out of style! 'Johnny!' his father said, 'I see you're playing poker, but where's your wildcard?'Johnny replies, 'With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!'
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Bed Joke
Why did the kid punch the bed? His mother told him to hit the hay.
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Instrument Joke
Britten: A Midsummer Nightmare. Mozart: The Magic Tuba. Puccini: La Bamba. Rossini: The Plumber of Seville. Verdi: Rigatoni.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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