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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of leighton fun runners and other funny jokes |
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College Humor
Wifespeak/Translation You want: You wantWe need: I wantIt's your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by nowDo what you want: You'll pay for this laterWe need to talk: I need to complainSure. . . go ahead: I don't want you to. I'm not upset: Of course I'm upset, you moron. You're so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting!: I'm on my period. Be romantic, turn out the lights. : I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house. I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper. . . . I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of whiteHang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me?: I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me?: I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T. V. Is my butt fat?: Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!?: [Too late, your dead. ]Yes: NoNo: NoMaybe: NoI'm sorry: You'll be sorry. Do you like this recipe?: It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it. Was that the baby?: Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. I'm not yelling!: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. All we're going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at few new pocketbooks, and, oh my god, there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?In answer to the question 'What's wrong?'The same old thing. : Nothing. Nothing. : Everything. Everything: My PMS is acting up. Nothing, really. : It's just that you're such an asshole. . I don't want to talk about it. : Go away, I'm still building up steam.
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Rabbit Joke
What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes? A funny bunny
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Christmas Joke - 1
December '14
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Beauty Joke
What did the really ugly man do for a living ? He posed for Halloween masks !
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Clean Humor
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?A: The prostitute says, 'Aren't you done yet?'The nympho says, 'Are you done already?'The blonde says, 'Beige. . . I think I'll paint the ceiling beige. '
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Naughty Joke
On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the localbrothel and the madam said, 'You'll have to wait. ''But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now. ''Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs. ''Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room. 'So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one ofthe staff and, after looking for a place to consummatethe transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. Butit's a very cold night, and they freeze to death andfall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks. 'Go away!' says the madam. 'We don't allow drunks in here!''I don't want in, ' says the drunk. 'I just wanted to tellyou that your sign fell down. '
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Accountant Joke
There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. 'Welcome to Heaven, ' said St. Peter. 'Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you. ' 'No problem, just let me in. ' said the accountant. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in . ' 'Actually, I think I've made up my mind. . . I prefer to stay in Heaven' 'Sorry, we have rules. . . ' And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was ti me to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. 'Now it's time to spend a day in heaven. ' So the accountant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. 'So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity. ' The accountant paused for a second and then replied, 'Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell. ' So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. 'I don't understand, ' stammered the accountant, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable. ' The Devil looked at her and smiled. 'That's because yesterday you were a recruit, but today you're staff. ' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says 'What is nine multiplied by four?' He thinks quickly and says 'Thirty five. ' When the in terview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks 'Well, I blew that' and goes home very disappointed. Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. 'Wonderful, ' he says, 'but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't right' 'We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest. '
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Situation Joke
Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he hasto take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts downto use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls areoccupied, so he runs back up to his room, and indesperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, andtakes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back inthe pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel thatsays, 'Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us. . . where is it?'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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