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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of le strange hunstanton and other funny jokes |
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Ethnic Humor
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver 'What's that building there?' 'That's the Royal York Hotel' replied the cabbie. 'The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?' asked the Texan. 'About 12 years' replied the cabbie. '12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months. ' A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. 'What's that building over there?' asked the Texan. 'That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre' replied the cabbie. 'Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?' asked the Texan. 'About three years' replied the cabbie. 'Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks. ' Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. 'What's that building there?' asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. 'Danged if I know' replied the cabbie, 'It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday. '
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Food and Drink Joke
How does a witch make scrambled eggs? She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.
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Dog Joke - 1
How does a poodle say hello in France?
Bone-jour!
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Village Idiot Joke
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments. Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?A: Wipe it off!Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?A: None of the offspring survived. Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?A: VERY attractive. Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung). Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?A: He stamped it to death and then said 'Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!'. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?A: Cosine (Theta) Note: Assumes elephant grape 1Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler. Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?A: Lots of room. Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?A: An elephant. Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?A: Swim for your life!!Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?A: To trip low flying canaries. Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?A: He wasn't laying on his back. Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (Noddy is children's storybook character)Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees. Q: Why are pygmies so short?A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am. Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?A: Slow pygmies.
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Car and train Joke
Why is an old car like a baby playing? Because it goes with a rattle.
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Law Joke
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, 'Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession. '
The engineer replied, 'But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine. '
Then, the lawyer spoke up. 'Yes,' he said, 'But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?'
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Computing Joke
1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine. 2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end. 3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it. 4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program. 5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest ``foo' someone someday shall type ``supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'. 6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest ``it cannot happen to me'
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Humorous Joke
Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. Judge: What were you doing? 1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond. Judge: And what were you doing? 2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too. ' Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well? 3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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