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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of laugh lines and other funny jokes |
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Bumper Stickers - 3
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
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Golf Joke
Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10 green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight.
The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men.
'Why are you fighting?' he asked 'You see,' said one of them, 'my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these buggers want to include it on the scorecard. '
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Bar Joke , beer, booze and fun!
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, 'Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight. ' The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, 'Gimme another one. ' The bartender pours the drink, but says, 'Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?' So, the man begins his tale. 'Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before. ' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, r\nand I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true. ' He continued, 'She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door. ' 'The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'' 'So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and wa s hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me. ' The bartender says 'Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point. ' 'Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down. '' Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there. ' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now. ' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!' The bartender says, 'Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure. ' 'No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass. ' The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, 'Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset. ' 'No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though. ' The bartender then asks in exasperation, 'Well, then, what did finally make you anger?' 'Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground. '
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Dirty Joke
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. 'Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you. ' he says. 'I'm sorry but I've given my body to God. ' she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says 'I know a way you can get her in the sack. ' The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says 'Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you. ' She replies 'Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass. ' The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, 'Surprise I'm the guy on the bus. ' With that the nun turns around and says, 'Surprise I'm the bus driver. '
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Bar Joke - 1
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, 'What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, 'You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath. '
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Christmas Joke - 1
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window? 'Looks like rein dear'
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Ethnic Joke - 2
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give you each one wish, That's three wishes in total', says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, 'I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity. ' So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity. ' Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, 'I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. ' The Genie explains, 'well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or ou t. ' The Irishman says, 'Fill it up with water. '
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Law Enforcement Joke
Policeman: Now, sir, how did you come to have this accident? Motorist: Well, the sign just there says, `Stop ? Look ? Listen'. And while I was doing that the train hit me.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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