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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of last laugh sheffield and other funny jokes |
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Mother Joke
A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top.
An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style.
He said, 'Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to say about that, too!'
'Yes dear,' she said, 'you did . . . you asked me for my phone number!'
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Joke Online
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina . 1. Finally find that damned G-spot. !!!!!
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Political Joke
Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you? A: They get elected.
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Humorous Joke
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey. . . My Love. . . Darling. . . Sweetheart. . . Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, 'That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names. 'Morris hung his head and whispered, 'To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!'
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Joke for Speeches
Knock Knock Who's there? I wannup I wannup who? You do! I didn't need to know that!
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Silliest Joke
These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods: On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?) On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!) On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment. ) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?) On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts. ) On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!) On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm. . . something must have gotten lost in the translation. . . ) On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space. ) On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious. ) On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one. . . ) On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this. . ) On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief. )
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Teeth Joke
Why do you forget a tooth, as soon as the dentist pulls it out? Because it goes right out of your head.
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Funny Kids Joke
What kind of money do fishermen make?Net profits!What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand?Birdsthigh fish fingers!What kind of noise annoys an oyster?A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?Jellyfish!What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?'Your plaice or mine'!Where does seaweed look for a job?In the 'Kelp-wanted' adds!Why is a fish easy to weigh?Because it has its own scales!Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?Because they have electric 'eels!Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!To whom do fish go to borrow money?The loan shark!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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