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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of last laugh comedy club sheffield and other funny jokes |
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Humor Joke
An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: 'What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black. ' 'Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black, ' replies the experimental physicist. The heoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says 'Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black. ' 'Well, ' the philosopher responds, 'on one side, anyway. '
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Snake Joke
What did one snake say to another ? Hiss off !
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Funny Kids Joke
Q: What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?A: They go on peck-nics!Q: What do chickens serve at birthday parties?A: Coop-cakes!Q: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?A: An eggroll!Q: What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg?A: The bombshell!Q: What does an alarm cluck say?A: 'Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo!' Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!Q: How long do chickens work?A: Around the cluck!Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?A: To prove he wasn't chicken!Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?A: To cockadoodle dooo something!
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School Joke
Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ? Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ?
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Free Adult Joke
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write '' on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, ' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today. ' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later, ' he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written ', , . Two with meatballs, one without. '
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Religious Joke
On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs. 'Get this guy, Chaim' laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal, 'He's trying to teach *us* how to do business!'
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Mad Joke
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: 'Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine. 'Second Bull: 'That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'em till I run him off or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS. 'Third Bull: 'I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to 'take care of'. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows. 'They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: 'You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend. 'Second Bull: 'I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument. 'They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting -- the bull's equivalent of an Ape's beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of 'Stay away from my Woman, Vato!!First Bull: 'Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it. 'Third Bull: 'Hell , Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!'
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Free Adult Joke
Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality. Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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