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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of ladies funny t shirts and other funny jokes |
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Redneck Joke
What kind of bunny drinks coffee?Mugs bunny!
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Rabbit Joke
What do you call a rabbit with no clothes on? A bare hare.
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Assorted Joke
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother. Things I've learned from my children (honest no kidding): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh, ' it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old. 11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12. Superglue is forever- especially in hair. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PBandJ sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in town has a 5-minute response time to my house. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful- as in: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, '. . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said, 'I think he said. . . 'Holy Sh*t, a talking pig!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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Dirty Joke
But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead. . . Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? But whipped cream makes me break out. Person 1: This is your first time. . . right? Person 2: Yeah. . . today. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? Now check out our collection of over 100,00 amazing jokesNow check out our collection of over 100,00 amazing jokesNow check out our collection of over 100,00 amazing jokesNow check out our collection of over 100,00 amazing jokesNow check out our collection of over 100,00 amazing jokesNow check out our collection of over 100,00 amazing jokesNow check out our collection of over 100,00 amazing jokesNow check out our collection of over 100,00 amazing jokes On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober. . . Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! Got any penicillin? But I just brushed my teeth. . . Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth. . . Did you know the ceiling needs painting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel. . . That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow. . Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. No, really. . . I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people. You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. Now I know why he/she dumped you. . . Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I have a confession. . . I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Is that a hanging sculpture? You'll still vote for me, won't you? Did I mention my transsexual operation? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Did you come yet, dear? I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about. . . A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please. I think biting is romantic -- don't you? You can cook, too right? When would you like to meet my parents? Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like. . . Woman: Yourself? Have you seen 'Fatal Attraction'? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. Don't mind me. . I always file my nails in bed. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Sorry but I don't do toes! You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper. . . I'll bet you didn't know I work for 'The Enquirer'. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses. . . Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise. . . How long do you plan to be 'almost there'? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
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Bumper Stickers - 7
Time Circles: The Lord Creates The Universe Evolves The Lord
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Cat Joke
Why did the cat put the letter 'M' into the fridge ? Because it turns 'ice' into 'mice' !
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Marriage Joke
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses. . . one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
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Bumper Stickers - 2
When all else fails manipulate the data
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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