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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of killing joke peel sessions and other funny jokes |
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Yo momma Joke
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
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Best Joke Online
Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said 'Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties. 'The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady. She asked Ole his occupation. 'Diesel fitter', he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week. When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained: 'When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers. 'Skill!. . . 'What skill?' yelled Sven. 'I sew the elastic on. . . He pulls on it and says, . . . . . 'Yep, diesel fitter'.
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Business Joke
Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me. . . I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.
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Halloween Joke
How do you get the most apples when bobbing at Halloween Wear a snorkel !
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Knock Knock Joke - 1
Knock Knock Who's there ! A Fred ! A Fred who ? Who's a Fred of the Big Bad Wolf ?
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Food Joke
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:ExposureA Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised 'creaminess'RadiationA Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife. Extreme ForceA Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected 'splatter' effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact. Extreme ColdA Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably 'slowed'. The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors. Extreme HeatA Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its 'cream holes' boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same 'burning rubber' aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment. ImmersionA Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan - in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the 'cream holes'. Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted. Summary of ResultsThe Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the 'creamy filling' and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as 'food'. Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn. Reprinted from SPY Magazine, July 1989
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Various animal Joke
What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls ? Reptiles !
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Bumper Stickers - 3
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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