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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of killing joke dvd and other funny jokes |
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Funny Kids Joke
What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?A flat fish!What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?A beer-a-cuda!Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?Billy the Squid!What happened to the cold jellyfish?It set!What's the coldest fish in the sea?A blue whale!What did the sardine call the submarine?A can of people!What's the difference between a fish and a piano?You can't tuna fish!Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea?Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave teh key outside!How do the fish get to school?By octobus!Why did the lobster blush?Because the sea weed!
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Joke for Speeches
Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -JaneDear GOD, I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me. -Love, AlisonDear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -LucyDear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -AnitaDear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -NormaDear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -JaneDear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -NanDear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -NeilDear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -JaneDear GOD, Did you really mean 'do unto others as they do unto you'? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -DarlaDear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -JoyceDear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L. Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -BruceDear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -DeniseDear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -RaphaelDear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -DannyDear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -LarryDear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -SamDear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -DeanDear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M. Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -ElliottDear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -NanDear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -RobDear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -MarshaDear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D. Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, ChrisDear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, DonnaDear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - 'You made an ark on dry land you fool. ' But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -EddieDear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -CharlesDear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene
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Sad Joke
Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.
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Best Joke
A man went to his doctor and said, 'I want to be castrated. ''What?' said the doctor, 'surely you don't want that. ''Yes, ' said the man, 'that's what I want; I insist. 'So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for. 'Oh, I was circumsized, ' the man said. 'Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!'
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Elephant Joke
What's big, grey and flies straight up ? An elecopter !
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Marriage Joke
When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice.
'The first ten years are the hardest. '
'How long have you been married?' she asked.
'Ten years', he replied.
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Accountant Joke
How do you know accountants have no imagination? They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
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Business Joke
The EquationEngineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows, Work = Power * TimeSince Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:Work = Knowledge * MoneySolving for Money, we get: WorkMoney = ---------- KnowledgeThus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done. Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make. Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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