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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of joking around fancy dress and other funny jokes |
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Military Joke
An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits. A visitor asked a student: 'Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?''We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!' explained the student.
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Insect Joke
Why did the mosquito go to the dentist ? To improve his bite !
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Heaven and hell Joke
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him 'What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?' The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, 'A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street. ' Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, 'Well , That's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven. ' The Lawyer said, 'Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter. ' Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, 'Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?' Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, 'Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell. ' Each man gives a story Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, 'Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?' So the first man replies: 'Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony. ' 'That sounds like a pretty bad day to me, ' said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. 'It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the f loor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here. ' Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. 'Picture this, ' says the third man, 'I'm hiding inside a refrigerator. . . '
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Love and Marriage Joke
Marriage is nature's way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.
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American Joke
A woman walked into a savings & loan and said to the loan officer, 'I'd like to talk to you about a loan. ' 'Great!' the ecstatic loan officer replied, 'How much can you give us?'
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Law Enforcement Joke
The Judge said to the defendant. 'I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again. ' 'Your Honor, ' the criminal said, 'That's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen. '
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Bible Joke
A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a boatnot from the lake shore. The pastor had to make a trip to the port-a-pottylocated on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water and in the same matter, came back to the boat after he was finished. A little later, the priest had to make the trip also. He got out of the boat, walked across the water, visited the bathroom and in the same manner, came back to the boat. Still later, the rabbi needed to go ashore. He got out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said, 'Do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?'
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Ethnic Humor
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. 'Look at their reserve, their calm, ' muses the Brit. 'They must be British. ' 'Nonsense, ' the Frenchman disagrees. 'They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French. ' 'No clothes, no shelter, ' the Russian points out, 'they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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