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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of jokes rude and other funny jokes |
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Joke Online
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. The moral of the story:1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend. 3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.
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Dirty Joke
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint? A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
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Totally Weird Joke
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Prof. Irwin CoreyLove matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. - Countess of BlessingtonI've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass DaleyI'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette DavisLove is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord DewarI've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? - Phyllis DillerNever go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis DillerIt destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. - Benjamin DisraeliHonolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken DoddAny intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. - Isadora DuncanMany a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night. - Finley Peter Dunne, 'Mr. Dooley On Making A Will', 1919There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. - Encyclopaedia ApocryphiaNe'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. - Benjamin FranklinA Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. - Bruce FriedmanChoose a wife by your ear than your eye. - Thomas Fuller, 1732Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. - Zsa Zsa GaborA man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa GaborI'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa GaborLove is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - GoetheThank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. - Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting marriedWhen Baby's cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff. My wife said, 'George, I'm so unhappy! Our darling's now completely frappe!' - GrahamIf I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. - Robert Graves
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Joke for Kids
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?Have you ever noticed. . . . Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Suppose you were an idiot. . . And suppose you were a member of Congress. . . But I repeat myself. Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh. . . . I could be eating a slow learner. What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
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Business Joke
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers. 'As I'm sure you can understand, ' she started off with one of the first applicants, 'in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question. ' She leaned forward. 'Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?' 'Honest?' replied the job prospect. 'Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $'15
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Children Joke
A little boy went into a baker's' 'How much are those cakes ? he asked 'Two for 25 cents, ' said the baker ' How much does one cost ?' asked the boy '13 cents, ' said the baker 'Then I'll take the other one for 12 cents !' said the boy
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Blonde Joke - 2
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, 'Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought -- I can't figure out how to get started. ' Her friend asks, 'What's the puzzle of?' 'From the picture on the box, I'd guess it's a tiger, ' replied the blonde. The friend obliges, and when he arrives the blonde greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to her and says, 'I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box. ' 'Why not?' asks the disappointed blonde. 'Because, you didn't buy a jigsaw puzzle. . . what you have here is a box of Frosted Flakes. '
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Funny College Joke
A wife asks her husband, 'Honey, if I died, would you remarry?''After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship. ''If I died and you remarried, ' the wife asks, 'would she live in this house?''We spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would live in this house. ''If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, ' the wife asks, 'would she sleep in our bed?''Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $'2
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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