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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of jokes and stage managers and other funny jokes |
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Cow Joke
What do you get when you cross a cow with a kangaroo? A kangamoo!
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Weird Women Joke
His And Hers ATMsHIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it. 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit 'cancel' 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse gear38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake
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Law Enforcement Joke
'So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'
'Warning! You want a warning? O. K. , I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '
'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want. '
'I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good, personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail. '
'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?'
'The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile. '
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Bar Joke - 2
Below are fine examples of what happens when marketing translations fail to reach a foreign country in an understandable way. Coors put its slogan, 'Turn it loose, ' into Spanish, where it was read as 'Suffer from diarrhea. ' Clairol introduced the 'Mist Stick, ' a curling iron, into German only to find out that 'mist' is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the 'manure stick'. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, 'Salem-Feeling Free', was translated into the Japanese market as 'When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty. ' When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of 'I saw the Pope' (el Papa), the shirts read 'I saw the potato' (la papa). In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into 'Schweppes Toilet Water. ' Pepsi's 'Come alive with the Pepsi Generation' translated into 'Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave, ' in Chinese. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say 'It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you. ' However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word 'embarazar' meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that 'It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant. ' The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means 'bite the wax tadpole' or 'female horse stuffed with wax' depending on the dialect. Coke then researched '40
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Joke of the Day
A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it. 'Easy, ' says the man. 'Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window. ' 'Wow, ' says the man at the bar. 'I gotta try this. ' He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death. 'Geez, Superman, ' says the bartender. 'You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk. '
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Women Joke
My wife asked me 'What's on the TV?' - I said, 'Dust!'
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Ethnical Joke
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver 'What's that building there?' 'That's the Royal York Hotel' replied the cabbie. 'The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?' asked the Texan. 'About 12 years' replied the cabbie. '12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months. ' A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. 'What's that building over there?' asked the Texan. 'That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre' replied the cabbie. 'Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?' asked the Texan. 'About three years' replied the cabbie. 'Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks. ' Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. 'What's that building there?' asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. 'Danged if I know' replied the cabbie, 'It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday. '
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Law Enforcement Joke
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, 'I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk' The wasted wino asked, 'Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?' 'Yeah, buddy, I'm sure, ' said the copper. 'Let's go. ' Obviously relieved, the wino said 'That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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