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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of joke shop ipswich and other funny jokes |
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Priceless Joke
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. 'There's no way they can catch a Mercedes, ' he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit '90
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Bumper Stickers - 1
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
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Dirty Joke
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste.
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Bizarre Joke
Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex50. (the obvious) 'Ooooooo'49. 'That would work better the other way around. . '48. Sniff. Sniff. 'Is something burning?'47. 'Damn, that's complicated. '46. 'Wait, wait, use my pillow. '45. 'Alright already, _I_came. '44. 'You guys need a value pak. '43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say 'Good show, old bean. '42. 'Is that sperm or a mudpack?'41. 'You've got something stuck in your teeth. '40. '4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel. '39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions. 38. 'You know, they say that three's a charm. '37. Suggest your favorite position. 36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, 'This is a citizen's arrest, assume the position. '35. 'Bring in the Gimp. '34. 'Hold that pose. '33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing withjoy. 32. Start signing Meatloaf's 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light. '31. Sing 'Shake your bootie. '30. 'A little to the left. '29. 'Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?'28. 'Is there room for two in there?'27. 'Two words: penis extension. '26. Invite others in as a cheering section. 25. Charge admission at the door. 24. Make and hold up score cards. 23. All of them should read 6. 9. 22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes. 21. 'Maybe it would help if you. . '20. 'That's what you call erect?'19. 'That reminds me of a joke I heard. . '18. 'Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!'17. Hold up two bags and say, 'Paper or plasic?'16. Roll over, grunt and say, 'I'd rather be fishing. '15. 'Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat. '14. 'May I cut in?'13. 'That's illegal in Arkansas. '12. 'Holy whips and chains, Batman. '11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare. 10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment. 9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like 'Pack your wiener before you bean her' and 'Wrap your packer before you wack her. '8. 'MMM- that looks good, I think I'll try some, too. '7. 'Let's make a sandwich. '6. 'Is that hard enough for you?'5. 'I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?'4. 'I think you dropped something. '3. 'Do you like to eat at the Y?'2. Pick up your camcorder and say 'How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?'1. 'How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??'
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Waiter Joke
Customer: Why don't you eat here, waiter? Waiter: Serving it is bad enough, I don't want to compound the felony.
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Animal Joke
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. 'An' wot's this then?' he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. 'You dumb dog. ' As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. 'Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?'Again, the dog growls menacingly. 'Alright, alright, ' as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket. The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog. 'Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there, ' comments the butcher. 'He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
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Kids Puns
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened. 'I did a terrible thing, ' sniffed the drunk, 'Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort. ' 'That is awful, ' said the other guy, 'And now that she is gone you want her back right?' 'Right!' said the drunk, still crying. 'You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, right?' 'Oh, No, ' said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!'
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Joke of the Day
Deep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine. 'Hmmm' says the bear to the squirrel, 'Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?''Yes it does' replies the squirrel. 'Great!' says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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