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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of joke products and other funny jokes |
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Business Joke
Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants to talk whenever you're ready. Don't sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and remember that most people are a bit deaf so speak up louder!Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener, so that they don't feel left out. The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone else's desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or hanging over their screen. Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard. People love surprises, especially if they're busy. The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are concentrating. It's your _duty_ to give them a break now and again. To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a 'Do No Disturb' sign. When other people use them they're only joking. Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone will think you've got something to hide. If the phone isn't answered after four rings, hang on. Someone will answer it eventually, and they might like a chat, too. Never divert calls if you're leaving your desk. Your telephone could get into bad habits. Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to others to know that you're still there. If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.
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Bumper Stickers - 6
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
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Dirty Joke
What's long, hard, and has semen in it? A submarine!
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Sporting Joke
George said to Fred, 'I put $20 on a horse last week and he came in at twenty five to one. ','Wow! you must be loaded', said Fred. 'Not really' said George, 'the rest of the field came in at twelve thirty. '
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Joke for Kids
1. Man: 'So, wanna go back to my place?' Woman: 'Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?'2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:Man: 'Want to Dance?' Woman: 'No, thank you. ' Man: 'Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you. '3. Man: 'I'd like to call you. What's your number?' Woman: 'It's in the phone book. ' Man: 'But I don't know your name. ' Woman: 'That's in the phone book too. '4. Man: 'So what do you do for a living?' Woman: 'Female impersonator. '5. Q: What sign were you born under? A: No Parking. 6. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: 'I like your approach, now let's see your departure. '7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, 'Where have you been all my life?' She took one glance at him and said, 'For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet. '8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, 'What are you looking at!?'My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, 'He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken. '9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their 'passes' had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once. . . When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, 'Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!' She responded, 'Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!'10. 'Sorry, I don't date outside my species. '11. Man: 'Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time. 'Woman: ' You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash. '
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Snowman Joke
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
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Witch Joke
How do warty witches keep their hair out of place? With scare spray.
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Bar Joke - 2
DEFINING SOCIETIES VIA THE OWNERSHIP OF 2 COWSFEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair 'Cowgate. 'BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like . . . these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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