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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of joke posters and other funny jokes |
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Aviation Joke
Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews: 'Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it`s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I can`t imagine. ' 'As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position. ' 'Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments. ' 'We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to a seat outside on the wing of the airplane. ' 'Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the p lane immediately. ' 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. . . ' 'If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children. . . ' Flight attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. ' 'Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults ac ting like children. ' Pilot: 'We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. . . Unfortunately none of them are on this flight. . . ! Pilot: 'Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. . . it`s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern. ' At the end of a flight: 'Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!' As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. . . WHOA. . !' 'As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Pl ease do not leave children or spouses. ' 'Last one off the plane must clean it. '
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Bar Joke , beer, booze and fun!
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. 'Why, of course, ' comes the reply. The first man then asks, 'Where are you from?' 'I'm from Ireland, ' replies the second man. The first man responds by saying, 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland. ' 'Of course, ' replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, 'Where in Ireland are you from?' 'Dublin, ' comes the reply. 'I can't believe it, ' says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin. ' 'Of course, ' replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, 'What school did you go to?' 'St Mary's, ' replies the second man, 'I graduated in 1962. ' 'This is unbelievable, ' the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too. ' About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar. 'What's been going on?' he asks the barman. 'Nothing much, ' replies the barman. 'The O'Malley twins are drunk again. '
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Insect Joke
What kind of bee can keep an aeroplane dry ? An aero-drone !
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Police Joke
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, 'Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube. ' The man says, 'Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack. ' 'Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample. ' 'I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death. ' 'Well, then we need a urine sample. ' 'I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar. ' 'Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line. ' 'I can't do that, officer. ' 'Why not?' 'Because I'm too drunk to do that!'
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Judge Joke
Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, 'You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers. ' The man thought for a moment. 'What are peers?' he asked. 'They're people just like you your equals. ' 'Forget it, ' retorted the defendant. 'I don't want to be tried by a bunch of thieves. '
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Children Joke
A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. Alarge wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top. She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest. Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said, 'Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one withthe brown nose. '
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Yo momma Joke
Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
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Politics Humor
MICHAEL KENNEDY What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy? John Denver made it alive out of Aspen. Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy? Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: 'I'm Still Standing' How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy? Check the family tree. A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at the snow-covered knoll. . . What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine 'George' have in common? Wood pulp. New bumper sticker. . . . 'Plant A Tree. . . . Kill A Kennedy. . . . ' What will it take to reunite the four Kennedy brothers? A1: One more bullet. A2: A season lift pass.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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