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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of joke phone lines and other funny jokes |
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Celebrities Joke
Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt. 'Superman don't need no seat belt, ' Ali growled. 'Well, Superman, ' the stewardess replied, 'don't need no airplane!'
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Funny Famous Joke
Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked 'Women' and the other marked 'Men'. He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates. The right-hand gate had a sign that read 'Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses'; the other gate read 'Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses'. The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate. Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked, 'Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?'The smallish fellow replied, 'I haven't a clue. My wife told me to stand here. '
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Food Joke
Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine? They keep repeating themselves.
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Law Enforcement Joke
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner people. 'A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, 'Let's get off that corner. . . NOW!'Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?'Pretty good, ' chuckled the vet, 'especially since this is a bus stop. '
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Marriage Joke
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses. . . one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
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War Joke
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his firstassignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervousyoung Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out 'Sir, Good Evening, Sir!'The General, out for some relaxation, returned the saluteand said 'Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?'Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going todisagree with the General, so the he saluted again andreplied 'Sir, Yes Sir!'. The General continued, 'You know there's something about astormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?'The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just aprivate, and responded 'Sir, Yes Sir!'The General, pointing at the dog, 'This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train. 'The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said'Sir, Yes Sir!'The General continued 'I got this dog for my wife. 'The Private simply said 'Good trade Sir!'
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Insect Joke
Why are mosquitos religious ? They prey on you !
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Bar Joke - 2
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. 'Blimey, ' Ed said. 'I've never seen one like that before!' 'Like what?' Ted said. 'All twisted like a pigs tail' Ed said. 'Well what's yours like?' Ted said. 'Well straight like normal' Ed said. 'I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours' Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. 'What did you do that for?' Ted said. 'Shaking off the excess drops' Ed said. 'Like normal. ' 'Shit' Ted said. 'And all these years I've been wringing it!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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