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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of joke lottery tickets and other funny jokes |
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Romance Joke
The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They weredown to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one couldget the position. As a final test each recruit was led down ahallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the firstman, 'We need to know that you will do whatever we sayregardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into thisroom and kill your wife'. A look of shock comes over the man'sface. He says, 'I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. Iguess I'm not the man for this job'. 'No, you're not', agreethe agents, 'You're free to go'. They bring the second man to the door and say, 'We need to knowthat you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife'. The mantakes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent andafter five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming downhis face. 'I tried, ' he says, 'but I just couldn't do it. I can'tkill my wife'. The agents let him leave. They bring the woman to the door and say, 'We need to know thatyou will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Takethis gun, go into this room and kill your husband'. She takes thegun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for thenext five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. Thedoor finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looksat both agents, wipes her brow and says, 'Whew! You guys didn'ttell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him todeath with the chair!'
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Joke for Speeches
Two Boll Weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywoodand became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in thecotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the 'lesser of twoweevils. '
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Miscellaneous Joke
Dear Mom and Dad, It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective. Yours, Your Loving Daughter.
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Joke for Speeches
On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?' For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. 'I can make you feel like a woman, ' he says. He's drop-dead gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: 'Here, iron this. '
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Silliest Joke
This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby. Doctor: I have something to tell you. . . Your baby has got no legs. . . Father: Oh. . . I guess it's still my son. Let me see it. Doctor: He's got no arms either. . . Father: That bad, uh? I have to see it!Doctor: And he's got no trunk either. . . No head. . . Actually, it's only an ear. . . Father: . . . He's still my son, take me to him now. Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge ear in it. Father: My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!! Doctor: Louder. . . he's deaf too!!!
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Christmas Joke - 1
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true. . . . Comet cleans sinks!
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Lawyer Joke
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. 'Tim, you be first, ' she said. 'What does your mother do all day?'Tim stood up and proudly said, 'She's a doctor. ''That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?'Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, 'My father is a mailman. ''Thank you, Amie, ' said the teacher. 'What about your father, Billy?'Billy proudly stood up and announced, 'My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks. 'The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy's father said, 'I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?'
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Celebrities Joke
What's black and white and comes in little cans?Michael Jackson
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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