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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of joke blue screen removal and other funny jokes |
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Totally Weird Joke
Q. How do you Scare a Man?A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving. Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?A. Exchange him. Q. What's a man's idea of a perfect date?A. A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack. Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?A. To stop the snoring before it starts. Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q. How do you get a man to exercise?A. Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces. Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?A. We don't know. It's never happened. Q. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?A. Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions. Q. What is a man's idea of safe sex?A. A padded headboard. Q. Men are like vacations. . . . A. they never seem to be long enough. Q. Men are like computers. . . . A. hard to figure out and never have enough memory. Q. Men are like coolers. . . . A. load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Q. Men are like horoscopes. . . . A. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Q. Men are like plungers. . . . A. they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. Q. Men are like laxatives. . . . A. they irritate the shit out of you. Q. Men are like parking spots. . . . A. the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped. Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Q. Why are men like lawnmowers?A. They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time. Q. Why are men like tile floors?A. If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years. Q. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?A. Because those men already have boyfriends. Q. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?A. Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!Q. What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?A. 'How come?'Q. What's the definition of a teenager?A. God's punishment for enjoying sex. Q. Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?A. They'll never see you coming. Q. What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?A. S&M&M. Q. What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?A. Both capture the moment. Q. Define Transvestite:A. A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q. What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?A. A scrotum pole!Q. What's the ultimate in rejection?A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Q. Why don't debutantes go to orgies?A. There'd be too many thank you notes to write. Q. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?A. Two Mennonite!Q. Why is sex like a game of bridge?A. If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner. Q. Can you say three two letter words that denote small?A. Is it in?Q. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?A. A bingo machine. Q. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?A. One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year. Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. One . . . Men will screw anything.
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Satire Joke
Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?A: It's called, 'The In's and Out's of Child Rearing'. Q: What do Michael Jackson and the Baltimore Orioles have in common?A: They both walk around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason. Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?Yup, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the 3-year-olds!Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??A: He thought it was a delivery service. The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest!Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?A: By all the Big Wheels parked in his driveway. And finally, I found out why Michael has cut down on public appearances. . . He wants to spend more time with the kids!
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King Kong Joke
If you crossed King Kong and a bell, what would you have? A ding-dong King Kong.
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Ethnic Joke - 1
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him? A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of 'Polish Remover'.
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Frog Joke
How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs ? They sit eggsaminations !
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Best Joke Online
1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married. 2. He had no in-laws to drop in. 3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with. 4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers. 5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen. 6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe. 7. He never had to shovel snow!8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal. 9. There was no 'standard weight and height' tables - and the word FAT meant good. 10. When God asked 'Adam, where are you?' He replied, 'The woman you gave me was reading the map. '
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Stand Up Joke
Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary10. Today is our what?9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's. 8. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up. 7. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?6. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will. 5. I thought we only celebrated important events?4. Having sex doesn't count as a gift?3. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love. 2. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex. 1. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
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Festival Joke
A Thanksgiving Cookbookby Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten ClassNOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook. Ivette - Banana PieYou buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it. Russell - TurkeyYou cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it. Geremy - TurkeyYou buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat. Andrew - PizzaBuy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it. Shelby - ApplesauceGo to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, 'Applesauce'. Then you eat it. Meghan H. - TurkeyYou cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it. Danny - TurkeyYou put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it. Brandon - TurkeyFirst you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it. Megan K - ChickenYou put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on it and eat it. Christa - CookiesBuy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them. Irene - TurkeyPut it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for 1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad cuts it and then eat. Moriah - TurkeyFirst you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it. Vincent - TurkeyYou cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19 degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing. Jordyn - TurkeyFirst you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9 minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it. Grace - TurkeyFirst you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and then you eat it. Alan - TurkeyFirst you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then you eat it. Jordan Salvatore - TurkeyFirst you put it in the oven for 15 minutes at 100 degrees. Then you cut it up and then you eat it. Jordan Simons - Chocolate PuddingBuy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it. Whitney - TurkeyCut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then you eat it. Jason - Chicken PiePut the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it. Christopher - Pumpkin PieFirst you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it. Christine - TurkeyFirst you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees. Then you cut it up and you eat it. Ashley - ChickenPut it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it. Jennie - CornMy mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it. Jordan - Cranberry PiePut cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it. Adam - Pumpkin PieFirst you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it. Jarryd - Deer JerkyPut it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it. Christina - TurkeyGet the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35 degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it. Joplyn - Apple PieTake some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes. Isabelle - SpaghettiPut those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees. Bailey - ChickenPut pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then eat it. Nicholas - White and Brown PuddingFirst you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it. Sean - TurkeyPut it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat it. Lauren - TurkeyFirst you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it. Olivia - CornGet hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then put it on a plate. Then eat. Siera - Pumpkin PieGet some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon. Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees. Kayla - TurkeyBuy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1 hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it. Tommy - PumpkinCook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin. Wai - Pumpkin PieGet a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.
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