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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of i spy fun house and other funny jokes |
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Dumb Men Joke
Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person whomakes all their decisions.
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Movie and TV Joke
Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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Best Joke Online
Joe Sensitive - 'After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?'Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, SnugglepupAdvantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirtsDisadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpyOld Man Grump's - 'People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV. 'Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogy, Slow Mover, Advantages: Stays put; predictableDisadvantages: Royal pain in the assFlinchy - 'I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did. ' Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey youAdvantages: Jumps entertainingly when startledDisadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggleBigfoot - 'Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'. 'Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' DumbAdvantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooledDisadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pigLazybones - 'Zzzzzz'Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug AddictAdvantages: Well rested; easy targetDisadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreamsThe Sneak - 'Who, me?'Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a BitchAdvantages: May feel pangs of guiltDisadvantages: May be having time of his lifeAce of Hearts - 'After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?'Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, MonsterAdvantages: Perpetually arousedDisadvantages: Perpetually arousedThe Dreamer - 'Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, 'Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, FoolAdvantages: Tells good storiesDisadvantages: Will turn into 'Old Man Grump's'Mr. Right - 'While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?'Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim DandyAdvantages: Answer to a woman's prayerDisadvantages: Hunted to extinction
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Politics Humor
Dear Abby:My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do. SignedFrustrated ----------------Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.
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Family Comedy Joke
Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, 'I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear. 'The second nurse said, 'I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees. 'The third nurse said, 'Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer. 'The fourth nurse fainted.
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Farmer Joke
Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. 'Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?' asked the lawyer. Farmer Brown responded, 'Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the. . . ' 'I didn't ask for any details, ' the lawyer interrupted, 'just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!' Farmer Brown said, 'Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road. . . ' The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie. ' Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. ' He continued, 'I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. ' 'Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at h er, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. ' Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. 'The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?'
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School Joke
Teacher: If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have? Jackie: Nine. Teacher: That's not right, you'd have eight. Jackie: No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!
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Naughty Joke
Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom. Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something!When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer. 'Sister, ' he asked, 'I wonder if you could tell me about this?' (pointing to the crystal bowl)'Oh, yes, ' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?''I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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