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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of humour cards and other funny jokes |
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Mother Joke
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. '
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, 'Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?'
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Priceless Joke
A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question: 'Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?' The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted: 'I don't know!' 'Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?' So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde couldn't be happier. 'It's my first day on the job, and it went great. I'm already working on a murder case!'
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Clinton Joke
Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist? A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
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Golf Joke
A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, 'Ribbit. 9 Iron. '
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he tries again. 'Ribbit. 9 Iron. ' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong; he puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, 'Wow! That's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog. '
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. 'What do you think, frog?' the man asks. 'Ribbit. 3 wood,' was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'Ok! Where to next?' The frog's reply: 'Ribbit. Las Vegas. '
The frog and the man go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'Ok, frog; now what?' The frog says, 'Ribbit. Roulette. ' Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit. $3,000, black 6. ' Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win, but after the golf game, the man figures - what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful. ' The frog replies, 'Ribbit. Kiss Me'. He figures, why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. So, he kisses the frog. All of a sudden, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. '
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Doctor and nurse Joke
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, 'I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven. ' St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, 'I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard. ' St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, 'I was a case manager for an HMO. ' St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, 'Congratulations! You've been admi tted to heaven . . . for five days!' Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, 'And how are we doing this morning?' Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went. The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, 'It seems we are a little cloudy today. . . ' At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drinked its contents, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time. '
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Cannibal Joke
What do cannibal say when they say grace? ''We thank you, Lord, for our daily dead!''
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Business Joke
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of 'Executives' was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that 'too many people were steering and not enough rowing. ' To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to '4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager' and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. 'We must give him empowerment and enrichment. ' That ought to do it. The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
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Dead and dying Joke
I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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