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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of humor clothing and other funny jokes |
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Weird Women Joke
Feminist's Fairytale!! Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, 'I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so. ' That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, 'I don't think so. '
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Dentist Joke
Anyone know the six most frightening words in the world ??? 'The Dentist will see you now. '
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Dumb People Joke
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, 'Really? Where is Monosyllabia?'. Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, 'Oh, you mean over by Croatia?'
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Practical Joke
What is the difference between baseball and law?In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
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Car and train Joke
Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin' mate !
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Dumb People Joke
How do you make a blonde go crazy?Place them in a round room, and tell them to stand in the corner!
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Totally Weird Joke
'Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy. ' 'I won't come in your mouth, I promise. ' 'I'm not really married. ' 'It's only a cold sore. ' 'Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality. ' 'Size isn't important. ' 'This won't hurt, I promise. ' 'We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other. ' 'We'll always be together. ' A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above ) If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A. M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa. . . When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.
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Worlds Best Joke
Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. All foam, no beer. The butter has slipped off his pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Her sewing machine's out of thread. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Not wired to code. Skylight leaks a little. Her slinky's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Is so dense, light bends around her. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long. Other funnies. . . Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like, well night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I am reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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