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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of hockey jokes for kids and other funny jokes |
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Insect Joke
Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies !
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Old age Joke
I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But. . . . . Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
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Situations Humor
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europefor three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught asupply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught atrain to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not finda seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the trainlooking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there wasroom for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. 'Could I please sit in that seat?' he asked. The lady was insulted. 'You bloody Americans are so rude', she said, 'can't you see my dog is sitting there'?He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. 'Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to holdyour dog if I can sit down', he said. The lady replied, 'You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant'. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finallysaid, 'Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months withnot a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold yourdog?'The lady replied, 'You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, youare also obnoxious. 'With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seatspoke up. 'Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit thelady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lotof things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold yourfork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch outof the window. '
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Clean Joke
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's, and McDonald's brought forth the $3. 20 double-cheeseburger, and Satan said to Man, 'You want fries with that?', and Man said, 'Super size them. 'And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, 'Try my crispy fresh salad. 'And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, 'I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them. 'And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels. And Man gained pounds. And God said, 'You're running up the score, Devil. 'And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man clutched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw that and said, 'It is good. 'And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. . . And Satan created private health insurance . . . .
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Music Joke
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A: A pair of Re-bachs.
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Love and Marriage Joke
On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. 'Would it be right, ' he asked, 'for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?' 'Absolutely not!' replied the pastor. 'In that case, ' said the young man, 'I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July. '
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School Joke
Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had
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Monster Joke
What do you call a monster with a wooden head? Edward.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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