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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of hampstead comedy and other funny jokes |
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Yo momma Joke
Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!
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Humor Joke
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The 'Tell me when we're having fun' kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers. 'So, how'd you break your leg?' She asked, making small talk. 'It was the darndest thing you ever saw, ' he said 'I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift. ''So how'd you break your arm?'
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Christmas Joke - 1
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?This one will sleigh you ! Why is a reindeer like a gossip ?Because they are both tail bearers ! Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?Because they would look silly in plastic macs ! How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?Don't feed it ! Why did the reindeer wear black boots ?Because his brown ones were all muddy ! How long should a reindeer's legs be ?Just long enough to reach the ground ! Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ?Because he didn't want to be recognised ! Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?The smallest ones ! Where do you find reindeer ?It depends on where you leave them ! What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?Baby reindeer !
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Bumper Stickers - 5
Men are like outhouse's, always taken or full of shit!
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Naughty Joke
One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor, to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god youlook so depressed. She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me. . . sixdozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have tospend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread. Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?
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Cow Joke
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A lawn moo-er.
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Free Adult Joke
Off by one. Off his rocker/trolley. Oil doesn't reach his dipstick. On permanent leave of absence from his senses. On the batting end of a no-hitter. One bit short of a byte/word. One board short of a porch. One boot stuck in the sand. One bumper/rail short of a bank shot. One bun/donut short of a dozen. One car short of a chase scene. One card/marble shy of a full deck. One chip short of a megabyte. One clearance short of landing/taking off. One color short of color-coordinated. One diamond short of a ring. One dimension short of reality. One drool bib short of neat and tidy. One drop short of an empty bladder. One flower short of an arrangement. One flying buttress short of a cathedral. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl. One fruit short of a basket. One gene short of a full chromosome. One goose short of a gaggle. One handle short of a suitcase. One hot pepper short of an enchilada. One inspection short of passing. One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey. One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.
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Romance Joke
Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are toldto seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that areunder their wives control and they other for those that controltheir wives. After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their arenineteen men in the first line and only one in the second. The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of hisindependence. 'That's easy, ' said the fellow, 'My wife told me to stand here!'
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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