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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of hammersmith apollo comedy and other funny jokes |
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Weird Women Joke
Why are girls like pianos?When they're not upright, they're grand. . .
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Humorous Joke
When Fred was applying for a credit card, the manager of the credit card company asked him if he had much money in the bank. 'I have, ' said Fred. 'How much?' asked the manager. 'I don't know exactly, ' said Fred, 'I haven't shaken it lately. '
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Bed Joke
You can't have any more chocolates tonight. It's not good for you to go to bed on a full stomach. Oh, Mum. I promise I'll lay on my side.
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Blonde Joke - 2
What do you call 100 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel!
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Old People Joke
The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man's oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the friend asked 'How in the hell did YOU land a wife like that?' The old man whispered back, 'Easy. I told her I was 90!'
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Situations Humor
A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was takinga walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. Shehad no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pairof panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The nextday when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up thesame tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no pantieson. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.
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Just for Laughs Joke
A man goes into the optician and asks for his eyes to be tested because he suspected short sightedness. The optician took the man outside and pointed to the sky saying 'What's that up there?'. The man replied 'why. . that's the sun. . . !'. On that the optician said, 'How far do you want to see sir!'
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Computer Joke
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream 'Oh my God! They've found me!' and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the 'Smurfs' theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say 'Just in case. . . ' mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. 14. Light candles around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, 'Oops, I forgot. ' 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray 'Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease, ' and scream 'YES!' when it finishes. 17. 'DISK FIGHT!!!' 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). 19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2' disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout 'You will all perish in flames!!!' and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc. ). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying 'Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?', unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: 'Does *your* delete key work?' Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: 'Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!' Print out your document and leave. 40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling. ) 41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say 'You did that?' loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell 'COVEEEEERRRRRR!' peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. 'Oh, good. It worked this time, ' and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. 47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim 'You're such a marvel!!', and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout 'Armageddon is here!!!!!', then calmly sit down and begin to type. 49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, 'Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week'. 50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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