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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of great jokes for kids and other funny jokes |
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Heaven and hell Joke
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. 'Who goes there?' inquired St. Peter. 'It's me, Bill Clinton'. 'What bad things did you do on earth?' Clinton thought a bit and answered, 'Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury. ' After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, 'OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell. ' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity. ' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over. '
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Blonde Joke - 2
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?A: To avoid the draft. Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?A: Because the can said 'concentrate' on it. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday. Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?A: They don't know the route. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
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Bath Joke
Robot: I have to dry my feet carefully after a bath. Monster: Why? Robot: Otherwise I get rusty nails.
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Funny Famous Joke
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark. . . Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle. . . Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. . . Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
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Funny College Joke
Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?
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Comedy Joke
Why PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE'One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too. ''No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell . . That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. ''I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. 'ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE'Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. ' 'If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. ' ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE'If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. ''It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. ''Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. 'REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE'Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too. 'HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?'Mooshy . . like puppy dogs . . except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much. ''When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour. ''All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark. 'CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS'They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. ''They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing. 'CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE'I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television. ''Love is foolish . . but I still might try it sometime. ''Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place . . We were behind a tree. ''Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. ''I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. 'THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE GOOD LOVER'Sensitivity don't hurt. ''One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. 'SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU'Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. ''Shake your hips and hope for the best. ''Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs . . and don't worry if their parents are right there. ''Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. ''One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. 'HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?'Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. ''Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. . Other people care more about the food. ''Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up. ''See if the man has lipstick on his face. ''It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire. 'WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY 'I LOVE YOU''The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. ''Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat. 'HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?'I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses. 'HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS'You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls. ''You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. ''It might help to watch soap operas all day. 'WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?'When they're rich. ''It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it. ''If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission. ''I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it. 'HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE'Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. ''Don't forget your wife's name . . That will mess up the love. ''Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. ''Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind . . Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch. '
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Weird Women Joke
Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates. . . 'I know you haven't been getting much lately. . . but I didn't know you were so worried about it!'
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Baby Joke
Knock knock. Who's there? Underwear. Underwear who? Underwear my baby is tonight?
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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