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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of good morning sms jokes and other funny jokes |
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Situation Joke
Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband's penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again. Meanwhile two potheads who were driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the two locals drove on. About three miles down the road one pothead turned to the other and said, 'Man, Did you see the size of the dick on the Mosquito?'
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Spelling Joke
A Hoosier, a Kentuckian and a West Virginian were on a Hollywood TV quiz show. The host asked them to complete the sentence: 'Old MacDonald had a . . . ' The Indianan said, 'Old MacDonald had a carburetor. ' 'Sorry, ' said the MC. 'That's incorrect. ' 'Old MacDonald had a flat tire, ' said the Kentuckian. 'Wrong, ' said the host. 'Old MacDonald had a farm, ' said the West Virginian. 'That's correct!' shouted the MC. 'Now for $'200
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Political Joke
1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time. 3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns. 4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP. 6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me. 7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks. 9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.
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Free Adult Joke
Military training:During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. 'You simpleton!' the officer barked. 'Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?''Yes sir, ' the solder answered apologetically. 'But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!'
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Very Silly Joke
I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you , I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door. As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. 'Oh yes', I say to you, 'I must say Grace!' 'Thank God for this Butterball Turkey, Amen. '(You ought to be ashamed of those thoughts you were having)Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
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Joke Online
'If Men TRULY Ruled the World!'. . . Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a 'Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time' would pretty much do it. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!The only show opposite 'Monday Night Football' would be 'Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle'. Instead of 'beer-belly', you'd get 'beer-biceps'. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Two words. . . 'Ally McNaked'. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Garbage would take itself out. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:Cop: 'You know how fast you were going?'You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place. ' Cop: 'Nice one, That's $10. 00 off'. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said 'You're #1!'. When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to 'I love you'. 'Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night', would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the 'public ugliness' ordinance. Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.
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Yo momma Joke
Yo Mama soooo old she was wearing a Jesus starter jacket!
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Bar Joke - 2
Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon aset of tracks. 'Looks like deer tracks', said one blonde. 'No, it looks like maybe a cow track, ' another blonde suggested. 'Actually, I think they are just dog tracks, ' the third blondeoffered. They were still arguing when the train hit them!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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