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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of glasgow comedy festival and other funny jokes |
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Bird Joke
My parrot lays square eggs but can only say one word. What's that? Ouch!
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Joke of the Day
A couple were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at their home. Everyone was having a great time except for the wife who sat off in a corner with a tear in her eye. The family attorney came over to her and asked what was wrong. The wife told him, 'Remember when we first got married and I told you that I couldn't stand him after about a month into the marriage? I really hated him at the time. ''Yeah, I remember those trying times. ' replied the attorney. 'I absolutely positively hated him. I even had bad thoughts of killing him, remember?''Yes, I do. ''But you kept telling me to get rid of those thoughts. You said that I would get up to thirty years for such a crime. ''That was a long time ago though. Why are you so sad now?''Because. . . I could have been a free woman by now!'
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Just for Laughs Joke
Only in America. . . Only in America. . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. . . Only in America. . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. . . Only in America. . . do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke. . . Only in America. . . do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. . . Only in America. . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage. . . Only in America. . . do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. . . Only in America. . . do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. . . Only in America. . . do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'blood-sucking creatures'. . .
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Elephant Joke
Why did the elephant cross the road ? Because the chicken was having a day off !
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Joke for Speeches
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, 'OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. . . You only get one wish!'The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, 'I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?'The genie laughed and said, 'That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish. 'The man said 'OK, I will try to think of a really good wish'. Finally, he said, 'I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing, ' know how to make them truly happy. 'The genie said, 'Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?'
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School Joke
Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection ? Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!
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Bizarre Joke
Down in Arkansas, they say that custom has changed little. Many a man still sleeps with a battle-axe by his side.
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Dumb Joke
A small company recently hired a new blonde secretary who certainly wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. One day while she was typing, she turned to another secretary and said, 'What do I do now? I'm almost out of typing paper. ' 'Just use the copier machine paper, ' replied the other secretary. With that, the blonde took her last remaining blank sheet of typing paper, placed it on the photocopier and proceeded to make ten blank copies.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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