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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of glasgow comedy and other funny jokes |
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School Joke
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof. ' Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: #1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. #2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, 'That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you, ' and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic. The student got the only A.
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Old People Joke
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, 'Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?'
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
'Well,' asked Mrs. Silver, 'is she all right?'
'She's fine, except that she's angry at you. '
'At me?' the woman exclaimed. 'Whatever for?'
'She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'' snickered Timmy.
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Apple Joke
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. 'You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!' 'What's he doing with the apples?' the sergeant asked. 'If I told you, ' the woman cried, 'you wouldn't believe me!'
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Miscellaneous Joke
Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check. Doctor says 'I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?' Guy says 'good news first. ' 'OK, You got 24 hours to live' 'Dang, whats the bad news!' 'I shoulda' told you yesterday!'
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Horse Joke
David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears incomplete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse round the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck. David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!! Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse!
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Bumper Stickers - 6
My IQ came back negative!
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Telephone Joke
What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants? Bell-bottoms!
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Lawyer Joke
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows:'Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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