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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny watches and other funny jokes |
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Joke for Kids
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all. Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?A. Have sex once a year. Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?A. With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?A. Depends on what you're doing with them. Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?A. Cause you're fatter then they are. Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A. So what's your question, dork?Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves. Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?A. Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you. Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?A. Yes, baby lips. Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first. Q. What causes baby blues?A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
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Clean Joke
Why is math always sad?Because it has too many problems.
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Waiter Joke
Patron: Hey, there's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Why are you complaining? Isn't it cooked?
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Pig Joke
What do you get when you cross a pig with a canary? I don't know, but when it sits on your electric wire and sings, all your lights go out
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Spoof Joke
This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, 'Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party. 'The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, 'This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it. 'The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, 'What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?'The guy replies, 'Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever). The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, 'Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive. 'The guy says, 'It's not for my penis, it's for my arm. ' Pharmacist says, 'What?? What happened?' Guy replies, 'Well. . . I drank the whole bottle of your potion. ' Pharmacist says, 'And. . . ' Guy replies, 'The girls never showed up!'
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Silliest Joke
So . . . the other day, my friends and I went to this 'Ladies NightClub. 'One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The 'dancer' came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and putit on his butt cheek. Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She callsthe guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other buttcheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friendpulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the$50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now theattention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?I got out my wallet, thought for a minute . . . and then the financialanalyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down thecrack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!
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Bar Joke - 2
Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, 'You think you havefamily problems? Listen to my situation: A fewyears ago I met a young widow with a grown-updaughter and we got married. Lately, my fathermarried my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughtermy stepmother and my father became my stepson. Alsomy wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had ason. This boy was my half brother because he was myfather's son, but he was also the son of my wife'sdaughter which made him my wife's grandson. Thatmade me grandfather of my half-brother. This wasnothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law isalso the grandmother. This makes my father thebrother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is myfather's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is myfather's nephew and I am my own grandfather and youthink you have family problems.
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Joke for Speeches
Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares? I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I hate everybody, and you're next. Please don't make me kill you. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later. You KNOW you want me. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time. Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time! Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions? You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. All stressed out and no one to choke. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear. I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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