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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny voicemails and other funny jokes |
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Religion Joke
Whats black and white and red all over?A nun in a car accident.
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Business Joke
How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, 'How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?' 2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card. 3. If they start out with, 'How are you today?' say, 'Why do you want to know?' Or you can say, 'I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died. . . . ' When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems. 4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary. 5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: 'Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services. . . . You: 'Hang on a second. ' (few seconds pause) 'Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?' 6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, 'Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?' Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. 7. Say, 'No, ' over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. 8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, 'I don't have any friends. . . would you be my friend?' 9. If they clean rugs: 'Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?' 10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional 'Uh-huh, really, or, 'That's fascinating. ' Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. 11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: 'This is Bill from Widget & Associates. ' You: 'Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?' Telemarketer: 'Uh, Dallas, Texas. ' You: 'Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya. ' 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, 'Well, I don't really want to get a call at home, ' say, 'Ya! Now you know how I feel. ' (smiling, of course. . . )
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Funniest Joke
The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says 'Honey, look what I won at bingo'. Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says, 'Honey look what I won at bingo'. Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says 'Honey, look what I won at bingo'. The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks - 'Honey shall I draw you a bath?' To which she replies 'Why sure'. As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub. She asks 'how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?'To which the husband replies. . . 'I wouldn't want you to get your bingo card wet'!
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Doctor Joke
Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?Doctor: No! Throw them away like everybody else.
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Celebrities Joke
Q: What's stiff and excites women?A: Elvis Presley.
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Book title Joke
Falling from a Window by Eileen Dowt
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Animal World
What does the snail say when he gets on the turtle?'Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!'
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Bumper Stickers - 7
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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