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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny valentine sms and other funny jokes |
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School Joke for Kids
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, 'I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her. ''Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!' she screamed. That's funny, ' he muttered, 'you even sound exactly like her too!'
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Old Age Joke
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, 'How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?'
'Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself. '
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Computer Joke
Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer? He wanted to have webbed feet.
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Animal Joke
A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head. Having watched what happened, a passerby said, 'Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!''I know, ' said the blind man, 'but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt. '
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School Joke
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. 'I would do anything to pass this exam. ' She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. 'I mean. . . ' she whispers, '. . . I would do. . . anything. ' He returns her gaze. 'Anything?' 'Anything. ' His voice softens. 'Anything??' 'Absolutely anything. ' His voice turns to a whisper. 'Would you. . . study?'
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Best Joke Online
The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers. . . The questions are:1. What are you thinking about?2. Do you love me?3. Do I look fat?4. Do you think she is prettier than me?5. What would you do if I died?What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i. e. , tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: 'I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you. ' This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, 'If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!')Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: 'YES!' or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, 'Yes, dear. ' Inappropriate responses include: A. I suppose so. B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? C. That depends on what you mean by love. D. Does it matter? E. Who, me?Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: 'Of course not!' Among the incorrect answers are: A. Compared to what? B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. C. A little extra weight looks good on you. D. I've seen fatter. E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: 'Of course not!' Incorrect responses include: A. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question# 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is 'Buy a Corvette. ') No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:Woman: Would you get married again? Man: Definitely not! W: Why not, don't you like being married? M: Of course I do. W: Then why wouldn't you remarry? M: Okay, I'd get married again. W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) M: Yes, I would. W: Would you sleep with her in our bed? M: Where else would we sleep? W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? M: That would seem like the proper thing to do. W: And would you let her use my golf clubs? M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.
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Stupid Men
Why are dogs better than men?
If you get sick of a dog, you can always have it put to sleep.
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Joke for Speeches
How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Four - one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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