|
|
|
The
Best Humor Sites on the Internet |
|
Christmas Jokes
Funny Jokes Online
MOCKERY
Ghost Pictures
Ghost Stories
Hilarious Horoscopes
Bizarre Webcam
notMENSA
society for the stupid
Cheap posters
Raunchiest Riddles
Worst Jobs in the World
Love Poems
Inspirational Poems
Funny Poems
Famous Poems
Free Diet Plans
Top Paying
Keywords
Keyword Suggestions
Everything you want to know about everything!
Weird eBay
mesothelioma types
Top 100 Baby Names
flowers online
Poker Articles
Free View Webcams
Work from Home
World History
Baby Name Chooser
Text Links
Online Advertising
Flowers
Top searches
Weird Website
Children's Books
Scottish Jokes
Robert Burns Poems
Midge Jokes
Fathers Jokes
Funny Jokes
Love Quotes
Famous Quotes
Inspirational Quotes
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Friendship Quotes
Get Found
anime girls
5QS |
|
|
No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
| |
|
|
Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
|
|
|
Archive of funny tv ads and other funny jokes |
|
Top 100 Joke
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. We build bodies that last a lifetime. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
= = = = = = = = = =
Silliest Joke
Johnny and Betsy just got married after having graduated as Aggies and are driving to Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Johnny, who's at the wheel, reaches over and places his hand on Betsy's knee. Betsy smiles and blushes, and says, 'Oh Johnny, we're married now, you can go farther than that!'So they drove to Laredo for their honeymoon instead.
= = = = = = = = = =
Idiot and fool Joke
Guidry called in Plotke, the painter, for an estimate to paint his house. 'How much you gonna charge me?' asked Guidry. 'Twenty dollars an hour, ' replied Plotke. 'Good Lord!' exclaimed the home owner. 'I wouldn't pay Michelangelo that price!' 'I tell you one thing, mister, ' said the painter. 'If that guy you mentioned is doin' the job for less, he ain't no member of our union!'
= = = = = = = = = =
Clean Joke
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!'4. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: 'Noogie patrol coming!'13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. One word: Flatulence!15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: 'Oh, not now, motion sickness!'19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occassionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then sigh and say 'oops!'23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says 'human head' on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce 'You're one of THEM!' and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say 'mmmm. . . tasty!'29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say 'Ding!' at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space. '41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: 'Wanna see wha in muh mouf?'43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: 'I must find a more suitable host body. '46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting larger. '50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Bad touch!'
= = = = = = = = = =
Love and Marriage Joke
Mother says to daughter: If a boy is getting to frisky, just stop and ask 'What will we call the baby?'
That's a good idea the girl thinks, so she tries it out.
One day she is making out with a boy and things start to get a little overheated. She stops and says 'What are we gonna call the baby?' and the boy bails.
Great she thinks, this works well.
She keeps using this line for a few years till she gets to the point where she is wanting things to go 'too far' herself.
She is making out with her boyfriend on the banks of a fast moving river. Things are getting really racy, he puts on a condom and makes love to her.
When he is done, he takes it off, ties a knot in the end and throws it in the river.
Blissfully dazed and confused, she says 'What will we call the baby?'
He just laughs and says 'Babe, if he can get out of that one we'll call him 'Houdini'!'
= = = = = = = = = =
Funny Famous Joke
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, 'Oh God, I'm doomed!'There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: 'No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you. 'So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: 'Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed. '
= = = = = = = = = =
Satire Joke
*** You just can't win, and here are the reasons why: ***If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
= = = = = = = = = =
Sport Joke
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, 'Old MacDonald had a ________. ' Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. 'Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?' Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. 'Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM. ' 'Oh yeah, ' said Bubba. 'I remember now. ' He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's should er again, he whispered, 'Tiny, how do you spell farm?' 'You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O. '
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
|
| |
|
