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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny toilet paper and other funny jokes |
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Funny Famous Joke
Q. Where you you fing a dog with no legs?A. Right where you left it.
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Book title Joke
My Years in a Lunatic Asylum by I. M. Nutty
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Job and Office Joke
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 15. 'They told me at the blood bank this might happen. ' 14. 'This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to. ' 13. 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper' 12. 'I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!' 11. 'This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!' 10. 'I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance' 9. 'Actually I'm doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. 'I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. ' 7. 'Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. ' 6. 'The coffee machine is broken. . . . ' 5. 'Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot. ' 4. 'Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!' 3. 'Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!' 2. 'I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands. ' AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: 'Amen'
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School Joke for Kids
Have you driven a Ford lately?Yeh, that's why I drive a Chevy!
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Knock Knock Joke - 2
Knock Knock Who's there ! Brighton ! Brighton who ? Brighton-der the light of the moon !
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Free Adult Joke
Missing a layer of insulation in his attic. Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland. Mooring lines don't reach the dock. More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head. Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral. Moves his lips to pretend he's reading. Must have ignored a knock-down pitch. Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass. Needs another brain to make half-wit. Needs both hands to wipe his behind. Needs front end alignment. Needs his disk checked/reformatted. Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back. Network constantly loses packets. Neurons are firing non-sequentially. Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum. Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there. Nine pence in the shilling. Nine rooms no furniture. Nineteen cents short of a paradigm. No charge in her synapses. No coins in the old fountain. No filter in the coffeemaker. No grain in the silo. No hands on the rudder/yoke. No hay in the loft. No one at the throttle. No wind in her mind's windmills. Not all his dogs are barking.
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Best Joke
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO, explain_____________________________________________________________________________________________Number of years married________If less than your age, Explain__________________________________________________________________________________________________Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____ A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Church you attend______________________________________ How often you attend_______When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, andpriest?_____________Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER)A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be__________________________________________________________B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________________________________________________________C: A woman's place is in the__________________________________________________________D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________________________________________________E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is__________________________________________________________NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. What do you want to do IF you grow up__________________________________________________________________________What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OFTHE ABOVE(circleone)I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _______________________________________Signature (that means sign your name moron)Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
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Kids Joke
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, 'Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?' The kid says, 'Yeah. ' The cop says, 'Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike. ' The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20. 00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, 'By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?' Humoring the kid, the cop says, 'Yeah, he sure did. ' The kid says, 'Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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