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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny staff awards and other funny jokes |
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Naughty Joke
Different sex outcomesBrunette after sex: 'Oh that was great! Love you. . . wanna marry?'Blonde after sex: 'Next!'Redhead after sex: 'Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid. '
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Naughty Joke
The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible. 'Well. . . ' said the Engineer, 'I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night. ''OK, ' replied the boss, 'that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red ?''Well. . . ' said the Engineer, 'turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too. ''I see. ' chided the boss, 'but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?''Well. . . ' said the Engineer, 'you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this. '
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Top 100 Joke
'I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people' -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle'They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. ' -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers. 'The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. ' -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live'We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. ' -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks'I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. ' -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents'When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. ' -- Former U. S. President Calvin Coolidge'It's like deja vu all over again. ' -- Yogi Berra'China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese' -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle'The loss of life will be irreplaceable. ' -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. ' -- A congressional candidate in Texas'It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. ' -- Richard M. Nixon'The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet. ' -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars. 'When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L. A. , my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. ' -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots'Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. ' -- Former U. S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower'A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. ' -- Everett Dirksen'A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. ' -- Samuel Goldwyn'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. ' -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values'I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. ' -- John Wayne'Half this game is ninety percent mental. ' -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. ' -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle'Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. ' -- General William Westmoreland'What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. ' -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line 'a mind is a terrible thing to waste''If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet. ' -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. ' -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. ' -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
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Joke for Kids
First, we want to apologize to our Polish friends, but rememberit's just a joke!Polands's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seaterCessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon incentral Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so farand expect that number to climb as digging continues into theevening.
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Hair and bald Joke
Why did the bald man go outside ? To get some fresh hair !
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Blind Joke
The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. 'Aidan, ' said the neighbor, 'I never knew you were so strong. ' 'Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly. '
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History Joke
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons ? He wanted Mark Antony !
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Time Joke
Why couldn't the clock be kept in jail? Because time was always running out.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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