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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
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pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny sat nav voices and other funny jokes |
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Computers Joke
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and inless than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man'. The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S. O. B. come onto thescene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-likemanner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next. The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.
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Bird Joke
Why did the bird join he air force? He wanted to be a parrot trooper!
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Animal World
Footless Parrot A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters 'I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?' The parrot says 'With my prick, you dummy. ' The guy is startled and says 'You certainly talk well for a parrot. ' The parrot says 'Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish. ' The guy says 'Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for. ' The parrot says 'There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me. ' The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says 'Come in and shut the door. ' The guy says 'What's up?' The parrot says 'I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips. ' The guy says 'Oh, A momentary flight of passion. ' The parrot says 'Then he fondled her breasts. ' The guy says 'He did??!' The parrot says 'Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts. ' The guy says 'My God, what happened next???!!!' The parrot says 'I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch. '
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Letter Joke
An Irishman went into a post office to see if there were any letters for him. 'I'll see, sir, ' said the clerk. 'What is your name?' 'You're having me on now because I'm Irish, ' said the Irishman. 'Won't you see the name on the envelope?'
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Job and Office Joke
Here’s a little clarification of corporate lingo. COMPETITIVE SALARY:We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:We have no time to train you+- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY:Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:We have no quality control. CAREER-MINDED:Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). APPLY IN PERSON:If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:We’ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do. I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office. I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:I blame others for my mistakes. I’M PERSONABLE:I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers. I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:I carry a Day-Timer. I AM ADAPTABLE:I’ve changed jobs a lot. I AM ON THE GO:I’m never at my desk.
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Bumper Stickers - 3
HANG-UP & DRIVE
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Medicine Joke
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. 'What's the matter with me?' he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, 'You're not eating properly. '
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Joke for Kids
Everyone hear the news about Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty being expelled from Disneyland?Apparently all three were co-conspirators in the kidnapping of Pinocchio. For several days, they tied him up, and each took turns sitting on his face, telling him to lie, lie, lie!!!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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