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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
them funny. |
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny rude text messages and other funny jokes |
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Business Joke
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour!
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Food Joke
What do you call an egg from outer space? An unidentified flying omelet!
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Music Joke
Do you think, Professor, that my wife should take up the piano as a career? No, I think she should put down the lid as a favor.
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Heaven and hell Joke
What do you call the queue of Software Engineers standing outside Heaven ? The Y2K deadline !
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Bar Joke - 2
How do you get holy water?Boil the hell out of it. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?'Dam!'What do prisoners use to call each other?Cell phonesWhat do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?A stickWhat do you call cheese that isn't yours?Nacho cheeseWhat do you get from a pampered cow?Spoiled milkWhat do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?FrostbiteWhat has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?A pool table. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?They're trying to get away from the noise. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?The taste. What is a polygon?A dead parrot. How do you stop an elephant from charging?Take away its credit cards. What's the difference between boogers and spinach?You can't get kids to eat spinach. What did the horse say when he fell?Ive fallen and I can't giddy up!What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?A private tutor. What do you call a sleeping cow?A bulldozer. What do you call a blind deer?No eye deer?What do you call a blind deer with no legs?Still no eye deer?What goes tick tick woof woof?A watch dog. Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?You can see right through him. What goes vroom screech vroom screech vroom screech?A blonde going through a blinking red light. Why do farts smell?So deaf people can enjoy them too.
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Travel Humor
Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. 'Where's George?' one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone. 'He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him. '
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American Joke
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, 'I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England. '
One of the others said. 'That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics. '
The third surgeon said, 'You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!'
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Doctor and nurse Joke
Jack: 'My brother was sick and went to the doctor. ' John: 'Is he feeling better now?' Jack: 'No, he has a broken arm. ' John: 'How did he break it?' Jack: 'Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window. ' John: 'How did he break his arm?' Jack: 'He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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