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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny ronaldo and other funny jokes |
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Teeth Joke
A man coughed violently, and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall. 'Oh, dear, ' he said, 'whatever shall I do? I can't afford a new set. ' 'Don't worry, ' said his friend. 'I'll get a pair from my brother for you. ' The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly. 'This is wonderful, ' said the man. 'Your brother must be a very good dentist. ' 'Oh, he's not a dentist, ' replied the friend, 'he's an undertaker. '
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Dumb Men Joke
Q: Why is urine yellow and sperm white?A: So men can tell if they are coming or going.
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Computer Joke
How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
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Dumb People Joke
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, '33
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Heaven and hell Joke
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. 'Very well, ' said the gatekeeper of Heaven. 'But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches. ' 'I know, and That's all right, ' Satan answered unperturbed. 'We've got all the umpires. '
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Computing Joke
Unleash the Power of Shift!Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean 'up', as in 'look up at the screen'. Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers. Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you. Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuationA: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with 'huh' and ! with 'zowie'. Q: I pressed shift and its stuck down nowA: Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished. Q: Why are there are no 'shift' keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled 'hif'?A: Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter. Q: Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?A: Yes, although instead of the notation 'shift', the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it. Q: I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?A: This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word 'shift' very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to 'train' the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably. Q: There are two shift keys, which should I use?A: Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key. Q: Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?A: They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!Q: If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?A: No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question. Q: No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?A: Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.
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Christmas Joke - 1
Q: What do elves learn in school?A: The Elf-abet!Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?A: 'I don't like sprouts' !Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missletoe! Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem. Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho. Q: Where do polar bears vote?A: The North Poll. Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood. Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?A: Because it's to far to walk. Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?A: Forty feet of track - all straight! Q: What kind of bird can write?A: A PENguin. Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree. Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? A: Sandy Claus!Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? A: Fleece Navidad!Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?A: North Polish. Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side. Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?A: Crisp Cringle. Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you. Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?A: Okay everyone, sack time!!Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes. Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A: A subordinate claus. Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?A: He wanted to sleep like a log. Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? A: Because the angel had said, 'No L!'Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? A: Santa caught in a revolving door! Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?A: Because it ' soots ' him!Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? A: Pour Santa flush on him. Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel? A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic. Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?A: Because every buck is dear to him. Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive' ?A: Yeah, you know, 'Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names'Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?A: Yeah, you know, 'Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names'Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. Q: Olive?A: Yeah, you know, 'Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names'Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?A: It was wound up already. Q: What's a good holiday tip?A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
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Marriage Joke
A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies, 'Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes. '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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