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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny retro t shirts and other funny jokes |
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Comedian Joke
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming!
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Blonde Joke - 1
At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. 'That won't work, ' countered the woman. 'I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt. '
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Business Joke
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
'Why don't you people leave me alone?' the deli owner said. 'I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. . . and you want to know how I made $80,000?'
'It's not your income that bothers us,' the agent said. 'It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife. '
'Oh, that,' the owner said smiling. 'Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere. . . '
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Dumb Men Joke
The Bachelor DietMondayBreakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallowsome toothpaste while brushing your teethLunch - Send your secretary out for six 'gutbombers'- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime butnow cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, abowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on theway back for a family size bottle of maalox. Afternoon Snack - Drink the maaloxDinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chickenthree-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw. TuesdayBreakfast - Eat the coleslawLunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninetyfive cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eatwhatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea. Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's. WednesdayBreakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night atEl Flasho'sLunch - Rolaids and a cokeDinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg forscrapsThursdayBreakfast - Order out for pizzaLunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbombersack forleftovers. Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you gethungry ask the bartender for olives. FridayBreakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes betterand it's better for you. Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murderDinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don'teat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus. SaturdayBreakfast - Sleep through it. Lunch - DittoDinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant themin a hanging basket. SundayBreakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie. Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch. Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her aboutrenting your old room.
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Book title Joke
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
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Bible Joke
A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: 'Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he saidthat he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates. ''BASTARD!' cried the Mother Superior. 'For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it. '
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Math Joke
A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying 'I differentiate you!'
One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said 'I differentiate you!', but for once, his victim's expression didn't change. Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly 'I differentiate you!', but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out 'I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!'
The new patient calmly looked up and said, 'You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x. '
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Hair and bald Joke
What do you call an English teacher, five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald? Sir!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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