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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny recordings and other funny jokes |
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Travel Humor
Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor thathe's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him, 'Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock. 'Steve says, 'Will that keep me from getting sick?'The doctor says, 'No, but it'll look real pretty in the water. '
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Business Joke
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. 'No bills larger than $20 will be accepted. '
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, 'Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here. '
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Joke of the Day
Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?They discovered they were throwing away the best part.
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Simple Joke
There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world. Well the first guy says, 'I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound. 'Well the second guy says, 'Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound. 'Well the third guy says, 'Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you. 'Well the fourth guys clearly states, 'Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world. ' The other three guys say really? Why's that?And the fourth guys says, 'Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn't know what to do . . . so I shit my pants!'
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Monster Joke
What brings the monster's babies? The Frankenstork.
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Stupid Blonde Joke
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. . . . . 'duh'. . . . . bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited. . . . . finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. . . . . box said '2-4 years!'
April - Trapped on escalator for hours. . . . . power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid. . . . . 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing. . . . . couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. . . . . learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm. . . . . car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is 'C'. . . . . isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's. . . . . they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. . . . . instructions said 1 hour per pound - I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911. . . . . 'duh'. . . . . there's no 'eleven' button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
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Horse Joke
What kind of horse has trouble keeping track of his Macintosh? An Appaloosa!
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Simple Joke
Q: What is Iraq's national bird? A: Duck! --------------------- Q: How many Newfies does it take to change a flat tire? A: Five. One to seal the inner tube and four to club the seal. --------------------- Q: What is the definition of mass confusion ? A: Father's day in Harlem! --------------------- Did you hear about the Indian who couldn't tell heads from tails? You should have seen the scalps he took! --------------------- A Mexican tried to get into the United States. He was stopped at the border and questioned as to why he wanted in this country and how long he would stay. He told them that he wanted to live there and become a citizen. The officer said, 'Okay, if you use yellow, pink, and green in a sentence, I will let you in. 'The Mexican thought and thought. He finally said, 'The telephano goes green, green, green. So I pink it up and say 'YELLOW'!' --------------------- This guy gets a map of Canada tattooed on his butt. The only trouble is that every time he takes a dump, Quebec separates. --------------------- An American walking through the streets of London, passed under Canary Wharf (London's biggest building). As he stood there looking up, a kid joined him. After a while, the American turned to the kid and said, 'Do you realize, son, that we have buildings like that in the States, only they're three times the size?''I'm not surprised, ' said the kid. 'That's a Lunatic Asylum!' --------------------- A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar. The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, 'What you dlink?'The man replies, 'Give me a Stoli with a twist. 'The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, 'Once upon time were *twee* little pigs. . . '
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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