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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny radio adverts and other funny jokes |
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Bed Joke
I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress? Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.
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Joke for Kids
The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope, 'Just a minute, I'll be right back'. At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away. When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, 'Follow me to your new quarters. ' Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer's quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity. Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope's new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said, 'I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room. Saint Peter said, 'Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer. '
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Funny Kids Joke
'Doctor, doctor, I think I'm Napoleon. '
'How long have you felt like this?'
'Ever since Waterloo. '
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Sport Joke
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?Hide the ball, it drives them nuts! What's tennis players favourite city?Volley wood! How does a physicist exercise?By pumping ion! Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?Because education pays off in the long run! What is a runner's favourite subject in school?Jog-raphy! What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?Ince pies! What does a footballer and a magician have in common?Both do hat tricks! Which football team loves ice-cream?Aston Vanilla!
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American Joke
1. Only in America. . . . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America. . . . . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America. . . . . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America. . . . . . do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America. . . . . . do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America. . . . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America. . . . . . do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America. . . . . . do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America. . . . . do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America. . . . . . do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America. . . . . . can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)
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Cow Joke
What is a moo hoo for a cow fight? A cattle battle!
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Dumb Joke
Confucious say:Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake up with smelly finger.
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Strange Humor
What do elves learn in school?The ELF-abet. How many reindeer does Santa have?11 (named below):Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph (the one with the red nose), Olive (all of the other reigndeer)and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all). What nationality is Santa Claus?North PolishWhat kind of bird can write?A PEN-guinWhy does Santa's sled get such good mileage?Because it has long distance-runners on each side. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer?Beacuse every buck is dear to him. What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?Crisp CringleWhat did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?We'll have a 'boo' Christmas without you. ELF#1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?ELF#2: 'OKay everyone, sack time!'If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?Missletoe!!!!!
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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