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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny racing games and other funny jokes |
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Dumb Joke
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter. The old man says, 'I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob). ' The young jogger says, 'Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?' The old man says, 'I can't remember where I live. '
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Funny Kids Joke
What is green and brown, has four legs and can kill you if it falls out of a tree and lands on you?A pool table?
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School Joke
American University Grading Procedures Here is a list of the ways professors here at the AmericanUniversity grade their final exams:DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, closethem and turn them in. The professor opens the books andassigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF RELEGION: - Grade is determined by God. DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade?LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why theyshould receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable. DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - If and only if the student is present for the final andthe student has accumulated a passing grade then the studentwill receive an A else the student will not receive an A. MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: - Everybody gets an A.
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Various animal Joke
Turtle to turtle: 'Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?'
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Travel Humor
Helpful advice for travellers:If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with you. BECAUSE: What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at the SAME TIME with a bomb?
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Spoof Joke
My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, 'What was that for?' 'Nothing. DO something and see what you get. 'I once got smacked and when I asked, 'What was that for?' my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about. 'If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me!You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank). . . . . I want you to go find something for me to spank you with. Mother to my Father: 'He's got my looks and your brains!' 'He's your son!'I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate. What were you thinking of? 'Well, I. . . ' DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING. Mom, can I. . . [Interrupting] If you have to ask the answer is no. Variation: Mom. . . [Interrupting] NO!Don't look at me, we had a funny looking milkman!Go ask your father, you're his fault. Variation: Did you hear what YOUR son did?Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own! You're in big trouble when your Father comes home! If your not home by 6:'00
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Ethnic Joke - 2
What do true rednecks do on Halloween? - Pump kin.
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Joke for Holidays
Tips for Moving South. . . Yee-Haw!1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as 'Bubba'. You have a 75% chance of being right. 3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. 6. Do not buy food at the movie store. 7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 8. Remember: 'Y'all' is singular. 'All y'all' is plural. 'All y'all's' is plural possessive. 9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent. 10. Get used to hearing, 'You ain't from around here, are you?'11. People walk slower here. 12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either. 13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'Big ol'', as in 'big ol' truck' or 'big ol' boy'. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. 14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 15. Be advised: The 'He needed killin'' defense is valid here. 16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down. 17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all, watch this!' stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. 18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased. 19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers. 20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November. 21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do. 22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. 23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. 24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. 25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, 'All Glory, Laud and Honor'. You will also hear expressions such as, 'Laud, Have mercy', 'Good Laud', and 'Laudy, Laudy, Laudy'. 26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle. 27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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