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No animals were eaten, killed, maimed, wounded, slightly
injured, experimented on, tortured, eaten, sacrificed, frightened,
bullied, teased, humiliated, tickled, upset, ravished, tantalized,
pulled out of a hat, dishonoured or criticised during the making of this
website. Some jokes however were severely tortured in an effort to make
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Welcome to our archive of jokes, riddles, poems and .
. . everything!!!
Over the years we have published over 100,000 jokes,
50,000 poems, 40,000 riddles, 20,000 pictures, 10,000 funny articles
and 2 combine harvesters.
So have a look around, enjoy and get those crops cut
as soon as possible!!!
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Joke Archive : 100,000 Fabulously Amusing Jokes |
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Archive of funny pumpkin designs and other funny jokes |
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Funny Kids Joke
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde?A: A jet setter!Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?A: Puppy dogs!Q: Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle?A: Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher!Q: Where do Eskimos train their dogs?A: In the mush room!Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?Because frost bites!Q: What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?A: An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!Q: What do you call an alcoholic dog?A: A whino!Q: What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog?A: Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!Q: When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?A: When the door is open!Q: Why don't dogs make good dancers?A: Because they have two left feet!
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Telephone Joke
What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration? A party line!
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Bath Joke
Boy: Dad, dad, there's a spider in the bath. Dad: What's wrong with that? You've seen spiders before. Boy: Yes, but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!
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Silliest Joke
Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day. Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces. All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life. . . better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. . . . . as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'Then POOF!. . . she was gone. After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, 'Harry!. . . . Harry!. . . where are you?'Harry yells, 'I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!'Fred screams back. . . . . 'DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!
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Computers Joke
The PC Manifesto V3. 0 Featuring a PC Primer and Revised PC Lexicon by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X. (C) 1992 - All Rights Reserved '. . . In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit. ' - Prof. Dr. Skippy 'Houng Lau' Whitmore Berkeley CA, 1965 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC PRIMER ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: WHAT IS P. C. ? PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded. Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC? Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression. Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC? Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand destiny ARE white males. But remember, as a white male, you must constantly feel guilty. Q: WHY? If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down. Q: HOW? It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone. Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE? That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE. Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC? Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy 'Rain Forest Crunch?' Segrega. . whoops. . separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U'2
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Father Joke
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. 'Worker ants,' she told them, 'can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?'
One child was ready with the answer: 'They don't have a un
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Horse Joke
The chronic horse player paused before taking his place at the betting windows, and offered up a fervent prayer to his Maker. 'Blessed Lord,' he muttered with intense sincerity, 'I know you don't approve of my gambling, but this once, Lord, just this once, please let me break even. I need the money so badly. '
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Dentist Joke
Patient:Do you extract teeth painlessly? Dentis: 'Not always, the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist
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Note : Many of our jokes have been
submitted by guests - if you find any that are offensive please let
us know and they will be removed immediately. |
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